Monday, March 31, 2008

deleted post.

I know it's against blogging law, but I deleted a post. If memory serves, I have only deleted one other post, and that was for someone else's privacy. I know it probably showed up in some readers, and that's fine, but I thought I should give something of an explanation.

It was supposed to be a "I'm not bitter, I'm empowered because I have an independent personality" kind of thing, but the more I looked it over the more I thought it didn't quite work. It may have implied things inconsistent with some of what I have said before. I think I was really writing about my dissatisfaction with my current relationship, and it was a way of venting. I wrote it, posted it, and then I was all vented. At that point, no need to keep it up.

Anyway, deal with it.

6 comments:

jonathan said...

I haven't checked this site in about two months. It's good to see you writing again, even if intermittently. However, I'm concerned over the general tone of pessimism reflected in your posts. Since I don't know you personally, I can only guess as to what the reasons might be for the sharp turn in your "online" demeanor.

1. You're still closeted to your parents. At this stage in your life, it must be a huge emotional burden to have to hide one of the most important parts of your life from the two most important people in your life. I remember reading a post a few months ago where you described yourself as a "coward" for not telling your parents. I don't think that's true. "Coward" implies shame, and there's nothing shameful about fearing rejection from your parents because of your sexual identity.

2. Come this November, the country will either elect a Democrat who will raise your taxes and increase government's regulation of your life, or a Republican who will raise your taxes and increase government's regulation of your life. I feel your pain (pardon the pun).

3. You're in your last semester of law school. Yes, you've realized that after incurring six figure debt and sitting through three years of mind-numbing case law and Socratic questioning by adults who have never even practiced law, you'll still have to drop another $3k for a class to teach you what you need to know for your state's bar exam. (I actually only had to pay $2,500. Discount!)

4. You've had some kind of relationship trouble, the nature of which you've pretty much kept off of your blog. Since you're a gay Republican, you've limited yourself to a very, very small group of people with whom you could commit to a long term relationship.

I don't know if any of this is anywhere near the mark. It doesn't really matter. The point is, you seem despondent and you shouldn't be. You're young, you're about to enter into a professional career that pays well above the median income in this county, you're intelligent, and you're healthy. Your parents love you, the country survived Carter, it can surely survive Obama or McCain, and the right guy will come along eventually.

Cheer up, and lay off the booze. The incidence of alcoholism among our (future) profession is deplorable. You don't need that monkey around your neck.

Tim in Italy said...

Ditto.

Marcus said...

oh wow. ditto ditto. Despite my maybe harsh comments, I sense a really good boy underneath all of the rhetoric.

Matt said...

I wouldn't feel too guilty about it. I've deleted almost 500 posts. Yes, five hundred.

Anonymous said...

yawn.

Pink Elephant said...

Jonathan,

I've often worried that my blogging betrayed a pessimism. It's just easier to be cranky when writing about policy. You are correct, though, I have been extra cranky about things that I have kept off the blog. I have been keeping quite a bit to myself.

In the beginning the blog was a release; I could say whatever I want. Then after people started reading it, I became aware that people I have never met had expectations about who I am and what I would say. Eventually, it got to the point that I felt I had to live up to the expectations of others online as much as I do in real life. It was a different cage from my real life, but a cage nonetheless. That's the real reason I quit blogging for a while. I even considered starting a completely new blog to recapture the freedom to say whatever I wanted.

You are also correct that I haven't come out to my parents, but there is more there than I am telling. Trust me when I say now would be the worst time to come out to them.

I know we got through Carter, I just wasn't there, so I don't have any reference. It scares me to think we have to go through it again.

Graduation looms and I have to be an adult for the first time in my entire life. Additionally, I am quickly becoming disillusioned with my school and the people here. Frankly, right now I think that once I get my diploma, I will have no contact with this institution for the rest of my life.

I am dating a boy. That should make me happy, right? Problem is, I think I am dating just to date. I am not emotionally invested, so I end up being a bit of jerk. I might not be all in because I still have hang ups about being gay, or maybe I'm just not that in to him. Either way, I am disappointed in myself for not being fair to him, but I am too passive aggressive to break it off.

SOOOO, now that that's all done, I shall return to my Bree (Van de Kamp) Hodge style personal cage, both online and off. Apricot tartlet anyone?