Nick's Mom's Advice

Sadly, I did not get to meet personally with Nick's mom, but she did collect her thoughts and sent them to me in an email. This is what she wrote:

Dear Pink Elephant.

From the moment that Nick asked me to talk to you about coming out to your parents, I’ve been thinking about what clever, profound, instructive thing I might say. Unfortunately, great wisdom continues to evade me, so I will just tell you what it is like to be a parent and what it was like for me to learn that my son is gay. The great news is that homosexuality is more accepted now than it has ever been and over the past several years, great strides have been made. If you live somewhere other than the Bible belt, it may not be a problem at all. The bad news is that homophobia has not been eradicated and we still have to live with it. Hopefully, these ramblings will help you understand your parents’ reactions, good or bad, to your news.

Becoming a parent is a life-altering event. The innate sense of love and protectiveness is critical for the survival of any species, and we humans have these instincts in spades! As a parent, you gradually realize that your wishes and needs no longer take priority and, for the most part, you don’t mind. The primary mission of your life becomes caring for this child, yet you scarcely have any idea of how to proceed. The sense of responsibility is overwhelming and the commitment to be a “good parent” morphs into an obsessive-compulsive disorder! You make so many mistakes along the way that you cherish the idea of being a grandparent, because by that time, through trial and error, you finally know how to get it right!

… Meanwhile, no sacrifice is too great and nothing is more important than your child’s safety and happiness. Ah, and pride, did I mention that? Nothing is a greater source of pride than your child, and you want the world to love your child and treat him well. Any pain or sorrow that your child suffers is felt and magnified in you. You want, so desperately, to “fix” it.

Is this obsessive behavior good for the child? Yes and no. Is the parent’s ego tied up in the whole process? Absolutely. Is the child and his/her success in life a reflection of the parent? Oh Yeah! Are parents, after all, only human and capable of egos, anger, mistakes and misbehavior? We already know the answer!

So, what happens when this child, that you thought you knew inside and out, that you love more than you could ever express, tells you that he has a situation that irrevocably puts him in danger of ridicule, disrespect, discrimination, rejection, hatred, harm, and HIV/AIDS?

For some of us, the response is complete heart break and terror. The years of total dedication to and protection of this person’s health and happiness are wiped away and he is at the mercy of a hostile and hateful world. The sense of anxiety is paralyzing. There is fear that he will be hurt and rejected or even killed. The ruminations can be endless:

“What will happen to my son?” “Will someone hurt him?” “Will people hate him?”
Some of the most painful and terrifying thoughts are, “What does God think about this?” “What if God really does reject him?” and, “What if he has AIDS and suffers a horrible death?”

Not to be morose, but in some ways there is a death of the son you THOUGHT you knew. There is this new person, with a life you did not know about and whom, after all, you don’t really know. For me, there was a process of grieving for the loss of the son I thought he was and for the family as I knew it.

Grief has many phases and we all respond differently.
There is denial that this simply is not happening.
There is bargaining that this is just confusion, misdirection, and he will discover that he is not really gay. “Perhaps we can fix it…”
There is guilt and torment of wondering what “caused” this to happen. “What did I do wrong and how could I not have known?”
There is a sense of anger and betrayal…”How could you do this to me?” “How could you do this to our family?” “How could you have lied to me all these years?” “Who is this person?” “How could the son I thought I knew…?”
There is grief for the grandchildren that you may not have.
And, because we are social beings and rely on others in our communities for support and approval, there is the question, “What will people think?”

As in any form of grief, we all experience it differently and I certainly cannot say how your parents will respond. Ideally, we work through all of the fear, anger, anxiety, grief and come to acceptance over an undetermined period of days, months or years. The hope is that as we discover our “real” son, that the relationship will be even better, because now there is truth. Unfortunately for some, it takes years and, sadly, for some, it never happens.

What can you do to help your family?

In the best-case scenario, they already know or strongly suspect and will welcome the honesty and embrace you for who you are. In that case you can shred this letter, heave a sigh of relief, and move on. In other situations, one or both of your parents may have great difficulty with the news. In either case, I recommend the following:

Let them know that this is not something you have “decided” to be, and that you have struggled with it for years. Reassure them that your love for them and fear of hurting them has kept you from sharing this with them. Keep reassuring them that you love them. Let them know that you are happy in your life. Let them know what your plans are for the future. Let them know how you deal with hostility or hatefulness and how you have managed challenges, discrimination, and hardship. They need to feel confident that you can handle this. Be open to talk to them. Do not answer questions that are too personal but be willing to be honest and to answer questions when they need answers. Remember, that they may be trying to get to know the “real” you, while letting go of the person they thought you were. There are horrible stereotypes of the gay man and that, most likely, is what they have been taught. They need to know that there are healthy, moral, respectful, loving relationships and that the stereotypes do not represent you.

Their religious teachings may cause them despair and may be the most difficult issue of all. Please try to understand and respect their views, even if you do not agree. If you have a relationship with God, let them know that. Be yourself and be loving and patient. Let them know that you are sorry if they are hurt, angry, or confused and that you understand that it will take them time. Give them the space they need and never stop letting them know that you love them. Be prepared for anger or withdrawal. It may take several years before they can talk about it openly with you. They may take as many years as it took you to “come out” to family and friends, or they may never be public about it. Please respect that, even if it is hard for you to understand. Sometimes, for parents, the thought that people would reject their son or criticize him is simply too hard to manage. Please be prepared for any number of reactions and recognize that it may take years for the relationship to readjust or they may already know and be relieved to have it in the open. Meanwhile, keep letting them know that you love them.

Finally, there is the issue of who else to tell. There are so many people who love you, especially grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Deciding what and when, (or if), to tell them is not easy. Every family is different and I would not presume to guess how your family will respond. The interesting thing is that you may be surprised at who takes it well and who doesn’t.

It has been almost 10 years since we discovered, quite painfully, that Nick had been involved with men. I cried a great deal and went through all of the stages of grief. Because I had several good friends who had died of AIDS, I was sick with the thought that this could happen to Nick. Fortunately, Nick left for college so we had some time to adjust and let the dust settle while we came to grips with some of these issues. When Nick was home, we had many long, honest discussions. He was very open, patient and loving with me, and I attempted to be the same with him. As for my “coming out” as a parent, I was unable to talk to anyone about it for over a year. For this reason, I highly recommend counseling for any parent or for any individual who is coming out for the first time.

Eventually, I told a number of close friends who love Nick and accept his sexuality. For the most part, I am comfortable being out with close friends and family, but it is not an issue that I bring up in conversation with the general public, mainly because I respect his privacy and I don’t think it is anyone’s business. Also, that fierce parental protective instinct lives on, regardless of a child’s age or position in life. There are people, especially colleagues at work, that I would never tell because, if they said something disparaging about Nick, I would be enraged and nothing good would come of it.

At this point, Nick has talked to all of the family and each of us has gone through his or her adjustment. Now, it simply is no longer an issue. If anything, our trials and tribulations have made us closer and stronger. I would say that we are happier and healthier as a family than we have ever been. Nick is loved and embraced for the wonderful person that he is and we could not possibly be more proud of him. He continues to fascinate and amaze me with his tenacity and strength. I love, respect, and adore my wonderful son and consider him a blessing in my life.

So, I hope that this gives you a modicum of useful insight and I wish you and your family all the best as you begin the process of really coming to know each other.

Meeting with Nick's Mom

Unfortunately a friend of Nick's family passed away at the end of last week, so Nick's mom won't be coming to town after all. I suppose we'll reschedule. Apparently she is eager to talk to me about this.

What's going on?

I thought we as a society were making improvements in our attitude toward gays. Of course, Ann Coulter's comment can be dismissed as a a poorly conceived joke from a nut. Indeed, no one except the most extreme take her very seriously (at least I can sleep at night by believing that). Then out of nowhere came General Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. He recently said in an interview that homosexuality is immoral, and that it why he opposes allowing gays and lesbians to serve openly. He even compared homosexuality to adultery (still scratching my head on that logic).

General Pace doesn't like gays. Fine, he's allowed his opinion; he's probably a conservative evangelical Christian like everyone I grew up with. Sen. Brownback also supports this view (which is why I hope to God he doesn't get the nomination and force me to throw my vote away on a third party candidate again). What worries me is that this is a prime example of the theocratic politics and policy that makes more sense in Iran than the United States.

In reaction to Pace's comments, neither Hills or Obama will directly answer the question of whether homosexuality is immoral. I am inclined to agree with the analysis of Towleroad, that they are dodging the issue to deprive conservatives (hopefully they mean theocrats, not us fiscal folk) of ammunition. I am therefore annoyed that I can't point this out to other GLBT individuals as evidence that the Democrats are not necessarily our friends--no Republican candidate would shoot his campaign in the foot by saying that homosexuality is not immoral.

So what we have is a world in which Theocrats dominate one party strongly enough to pull strings in the opposing party. I'm beginning to think that the 2006 elections won't be enough. Most commentators suggest that 2006 was mostly a message about Iraq and not the fact that the Republican Party has lost its way on MANY issues. It may take a Democratic president to send that message home. I just hope and pray it isn't Hills.

Aside: Since Ann Coulter's nonsense, the HRC has launched a campaign to have her column pulled from newspapers. In a "I disagree with what she says but will defend to the death her right to say it" style letter to the HRC, liberal cartoonist Ted Rall invoked first amendment concerns about the HRC's campaign. The thing is, there is NO first amendment issue here. Constitutional Law may not have been my favorite or best class, but I do know this--The bill of rights ONLY applies to state action.

Since the Bill of Rights also guarantees the freedom of the press from government ownership or control, newspapers choosing to drop Ann Coulter is not a state action. We have no freedom of speech violations here. What we have instead are consumers (The HRC) of a product (newspapers) expressing displeasure at a defect (Ann Coulter's column) and telling manufacturers (publishers) to either fix the problem or lose customers. This is the market, baby. To paraphrase Dame Margaret Thatcher, the laws of supply and demand will trump the laws of government every time.

Timetable

I have been talking to Nick for a while about coming out (of the gay closet), and although I find the idea terrifying, I am moving forward, albeit slowly. I have decided to do so gradually. I came up with this timetable:

(1) I have told my therapist. It still feels very weird, and I am still very uncomfortable talking about it with her. But it is done, and probably (I hope) for the best.

(2) I am going to be out this summer. I will be working in a completely new city, and I think it will just be easier to be open from the beginning. This will allow me to test the waters, so to speak. I have already contacted some of the gay attorneys at my firm to get their perspectives on what it's like to be out at my firm. So far I have heard that it is basically treated as a non-issue. I find that very encouraging.

(4) If all goes well this summer, I plan to come out here at law school. I imagine that most of my friends here will be supportive, which will allow me to grow comfortable with being an out gay man.

(5) Then I come to my first point of no return, telling my closest college friends. Somehow, telling my law school friends seems less permanent, largely because I haven't known them as long. Also I was much deeper in my closet in college, whereas I think most people here already suspect.

(6) Then comes the big one, telling my parents. Honestly, this will be the greatest challenge of the whole process. I truly hate to disappoint them, and I know they will be very disappointed, especially initially. I know that eventually they will come to accept it, but it won't be easy for them or for me. I talked to Nick about when he came out to his parents and he said that things were rocky for about a year. Although now, his parents have come to accept him. In fact, I have set up a meeting with Nick's mom when she comes to town next week. We are going to discuss her emotions when Nick came out, what sorts of things to suspect, and basically get advice for this very critical moment in my life and the life of my parents. This step may take a year or two to reach, if I ever reach it.

That's my plan. I hope I can find the strength to execute it.

New Item

I just added a list of links on the right hand side of the page, just below the "About Me" section. It's really just links to sites I currently find interesting. The sites I list are updated frequently and I check often. However, my interests do tend to swing so I may change the list semi-regularly.

Church

This morning I went to church for the first time in quite a while, and I really enjoyed it. I mentioned before that I went to a Christian school, and grew up fairly religious. You may think that my, well, delinquency in church attendance may be related to my sexual identity, but not so. It's more a product of my late Saturday nights and busy Sundays. Besides, I am a member of one of the more gay friendly denominations.

I spent my high school days going between school and church. I was in the choir, an acolyte, an usher, and just about anything else I could do. I really do miss it. Part of me misses being busy--I am happiest when I have lots of different things to do. But an even bigger part of me misses the warmth and comfort I felt in church.

For me, the best part of the service is the music. One of things I particularly enjoy is the use of traditional music. The combination of gorgeous sounds and a message of God's love and grace just touches my soul. I tend to be a very left-brain person, but music somehow stirs me in a way that a theological discourse never could.

I simply adore sacred choral music. I lover performing it, and enjoyed immensely the time I spent in church and school choirs. But sitting with my eyes closed just focusing on the performance of others can be such a spiritual experience. One of the most inspiring moments in my life was listening to several international choirs perform several works of J.S. Bach in Leipzig's Thomaskirche, the Church that employed Bach. Should I get to Heaven, that is what I expect it to be like.

Ann Coulter, attention whore

Sorry I haven't been writing lately, I have a big project deadline that has been hanging over me lately. But then Ann Coulter did something that made the perfect topic for my blog.

Ann Coulter's latest stunt of making a joke suggesting that John Edwards is a "faggot" has got some people up in arms. Here's the thing:

1) Only those who agree with her will listen to what she has to say to begin with.

2) In order to get attention from the others, she says what she has to say outrageously.

3) It works. The Left will tear her apart with the slightest provocation; this for an example.

4) The Right sees this, and give her even more attention

5) See "2)"

Michael Moore, Al Franken, Rush Limbaugh, John Stewart, Bill O'Reilly all do the same thing for their respective audiences.

"But, Pink Elephant" you say aghast, "Are you defending her for what she said?"

No, rather I am doing a bit of eye rolling at everyone involved in this. Ann Coulter is shamelessly trying to get attention, and the Left is more than happy to give it to her.

Another thing that I roll my eyes at are people who think regulating "hate speech" will somehow change the prejudices of those who use it. I'll bet my right arm that forcing a bigot to moderate his (or her) speech only creates a resentment that fuels the prejudice to begin with. Besides aren't there more pressing issues (like marriage) than the words people use?

In other news: Looking back on some of my old posts, I get a sort of "woe-is-me" vibe that I do not intend. I'm not all that melancholy, I swear. I guess I usually only get motivated to blog when I am unhappy about something. From now on, I am going to try to blog about the good stuff too.

I had a really good day today. I got all the work done I had planned to do. The weather was beautiful so I ran 2 miles. I watched several episodes of Arrested Development. And now I am enjoying a quiet Saturday night at home after a crazy Friday night out (from which I somehow escaped a hangover!).