On a personal note

I think I am going to take a break from slaughtering manatees, shooting homeless people, and other traditional Republican recreations and talk a little bit about my personal life.

I am only a short way from graduation, and at school I have gone from being deeply in the closet to being out at school. Indeed, straight people now ask me questions as though I some kind of ambassador from the gays (I know, I wouldn't have chosen me to be the gay ambassador either!). Somehow when people find out you are gay, you become everyone's shopping consultant--though honestly I am hard pressed to think of anything less consequential to my life than women's fashion. Nonetheless I do my best to help my friends. Don't worry, boys, I am not sharing any real secrets with breeders; that thing we do with rabbit fur and coke bottles will stay within the community.

I am still not out to anyone in my family. My mom has very obviously given me opportunities to come out, but I am not going to come out to her out of exasperation over the phone. Further, graduation doesn't seem like an appropriate time, basically because the whole family will be here and I see no reason to come out to my grandparents at all. So for the near future, that is probably not going to change.

I am still dating someone, although I feel like I am merely going through the motions (enjoyable as those motions may be). I'm not terribly emotionally invested. Whether it's because I am still uncomfortable with being gay and dating a boy, or I actually am just not that in to him, I leave to only God to know for sure.

Within a month I will be moving to a brand new city--an actual city!!!--to study for the bar and eventually begin my career. It's strange, I still feel too young for this. People's dads are lawyers, not people my age. Naturally I'm nervous, but I'm also excited.

I've been drinking less. I found that I was a bored drinker, and that just seems dangerous. I'm not going completely abstinent, but I am just being careful to be a more moderate consumer of alcohol.

So that's just a little of going on with me that doesn't involve words like "entitlement" or "energy policy" or people I don't know personally but still have strong opinions about.

Dumbledore

Was gay.

Interesting, I'm not sure what it has to do with anything, but interesting nonetheless.

A few questions. Why is it necessary to sexualize Dumbledore when it didn't come up in the seven books? Is making him gay just something trendy to do?

Sometimes I am a little put off by the current fashion of including a stock gay character for whom sexuality just comes up constantly. I realize that people focus on the sexuality of gay people naturally because it's what makes us different, but there's more to me than my bedroom activities. I guess I just don't want to be seen merely as "the gay guy." However, the more people define characters by their sexuality the more I worry that people will define me that way without getting to know me.

On the other hand, it is nice to see gay characters because perhaps it helps normalizes homosexuality. Maybe I'm just too sensitive. Damned if they do and damned if they don't.

(H/t matt-CNS)

Update:

I realize that it is probably better to have Dumbledore be a beloved and important character. Let him have his role in the story independent of of his sexuality, and then reveal casually that he is gay.

Nonetheless, the reaction to the revelation (both positive and negative) just worries me that Dumbledore will go from being a great wizard character to a great gay wizard character. His sexuality will be inextricably tied to his identity and take on an importance not really warranted by his role in the Harry Potter stories.

If we could look at him as a great wizard character (who happens to be gay), it would be fine. I suppose what really bothers me is that we can't. I'm not mad at JK Rowling for outing him, I'm mad that we care so much that she did. Me included.

Gays in Iran

From the Washington Post today. Copied here in full:

I'm one of those people Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says don't exist. I'm a 25-year-old Iranian, and I'm gay.

I live in Tehran with my parents and younger brother and am studying to be a computer software engineer. I've known that I was different from my brother and other boys for as long as I can remember.

I was born in 1982, two years after the start of the Iran-Iraq War, and when I was growing up, most boys loved to play with toy guns, pretending to be soldiers in the war. I liked painting, and playing with dolls. My brother preferred to play with the other boys, so most of the time I was lonely.

I was 16 when I first realized that I was sexually attracted to some of the boys in my high school classes. I had no idea what I could do with that feeling. All I knew about homosexuals were the jokes and negative stories that people told about them. I thought a homosexual was someone who sexually abused children -- until I saw the word "homosexual" for the first time in an English encyclopedia, and found a definition of myself.

After that, I started searching the Internet for information about homosexuality. Eventually I came across two Iranian Web sites where I could communicate with other gays. I was 17. At first, I didn't want to give anyone my e-mail address because I was afraid that I could be abused or that my parents might find out, or that people on the site could be government spies. But I finally decided to exchange e-mails with one person, and after some correspondence, we spoke on the phone. I'll never forget the first time I heard the voice of another gay man. We arranged to meet at the home of a friend of his, and the three of us talked for hours. I felt so comfortable with them. The next day I learned that the friend was interested in me. His name was Omid, and we became boyfriends.

I also became interested in the gay social movement that started in 2000. Around that time, Iranian society became more open under President Mohammad Khatami's reformist government. The Internet became common, and everybody started talking about issues they couldn't even have thought about before.

Until then, the gay world had been underground and secret. Under the Islamic Republic, gays could face the death penalty; they could also lose their jobs and family support. Meetings and parties took place only in the most trusted private homes. Heterosexuals were almost never seen at these gatherings. Even fellow gays were only slowly accepted. It could take years for a homosexual to become known and trusted. Most older gays were married and even had children, and their family and friends had no idea of their sexuality.

There was a handful of gathering places for outcast homosexuals in Tehran, people who couldn't hide their sexuality and had lost their jobs, or people whose families had disowned them, and who had turned to selling sex for money. Those places were always being attacked by the paramilitaries.

My generation was the first to start the coming-out process. I decided to come out when I was 20. I thought that if I just talked to my parents about it, they would accept my reasoning. I was totally wrong. Their reaction was horrible. They started to restrict me -- I couldn't use the phone or invite any of my friends over, and they cut back on financial support. Part of their reaction was religious; part was their concern that I couldn't survive as a homosexual in Iran. They were also ashamed to tell the rest of our family and wanted to see me married to a woman.

We argued constantly; they insisted that I wasn't gay, that I only thought I was. It took me years to calm them down, but over time, they lost any hope of changing me, and they started to change themselves. Now they accept that I'm gay, but they're not happy about it.

Meanwhile, the gay community has worked to educate people via Web sites and dialogue with our friends and families. But we've found that the most effective way of changing people's minds is coming out. When people see us as reasonable humans, their negative views of homosexuality are shattered. I can honestly say there's been a change in the way Iranians view us now. Gay life in Iran isn't as underground as it used to be. We have gay parties with heterosexual guests -- and even our parents! We have places where we can congregate -- in coffee shops, special park areas and even certain offices. Many more homosexuals are willing to come out these days. Activists estimate that .5 percent of the Iranian population is homosexual, bisexual or transsexual.

But we weren't surprised by Ahmadinejad's comments about gays at Columbia University. What else could he say? We stone homosexuals in Iran because that's what God wants? It was a joke, but he gave the only answer he could.

I wish our president could learn to respect gays instead of denying us. But I'm not holding my breath. In the meantime, my only response to his remarks is this: Whatever he says, Ahmadinejad can't change the fact that we exist.

Amir is an activist in Tehran whose name is being withheld for his safety.

This isn't about marriage

By this, I mean this post. Surely, at this point, you are all familiar with my position on gay marriage (indifferent) as opposed to civil unions (support).* However, I find this video encouraging:



Why do I find it encouraging? Not because I care that much about marriage, but because Mayor Sanders is a Republican. Another Republican who is more amenable to gay rights is someone everyone loves to compare to Emperor Palpatine, the Vice President. What do these two men have in common? Gay daughters.

These kinds of things show that while it may easy for some people to think of gays and lesbians as "the others," proximity and experience causes second thoughts. This isn't the case of "we're queer, we're here, get used to it" being shouted from outside their homes. Rather, the proximity comes from inside the home, the office, the country club. It's not a question of numbers or visibility, per se. The experience comes from the happy times they spend with people before realizing they are gay. It's about people learning that gays and lesbians are their sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, parents, friends, neighbors, colleagues, etc.

It's quite difficult to be gay and then get close to someone who is a homophobe. Instead it seems to be more effective to be close first and then come out as gay. Sure there are still cases of "no son of mine," and I personally dread coming out to my old-guard Republican family, but seeing things like Mayor Sanders have a change of heart because he realized he loves his daughter more than the party line gives me great hope.

On a grander scale that's why I still refuse to leave the Republican Party. If I leave and become an elephant hunter, it's like my shouting gay pride slogans right outside their home. Republicans won't change their minds from angry outside opposition, instead they will get defensive and even more steadfast in their homophobia. I honestly think that well within my lifetime we are going to see the Republican fear of gays and lesbians go the way of opposition to fear of interracial marriage. But that it's only going to happen through relationship and bridge building; it's positive experience with gays and lesbians that will make the difference.

P.S. This isn't the post I can't remember. I fear that one may have evaporated forever.

(H/T: Richard J. Rosendall at Independent Gay Forum)

* According to Towleroad, some New Jersey same-sex couples are reporting that civil unions as opposed to marriage are not enough. An excerpt:

Craig Ross, of Somerset, said his employer refused to give health coverage to his partner, Richard Cash, after the two formed a civil union in April. They were one of several couples who described how business have cited federal laws that refer to 'marriage' or 'spouses' in order to deny health coverage to gay and lesbian employees who have tried to obtain benefits for their partners under New Jersey's civil union law. "They're looking at it as a ceremony, not even a relationship or a legal status," Ross said. "It's just words."

This seems like a) poor drafting of the New Jersey law or b) poor lawyering by the businesses. I don't have a copy (and am too lazy to find one) of the New Jersey law, so I cannot say for sure. Simply creating a ceremony recognized by the state called a civil union but does not afford that union equal legal status with a marriage, is as Craig Ross argues, "just words."

If, however, it does afford civil unions the same legal status as a marriage, then I am not sure how citing Federal statutes that refer to "marriage" and "spouse" will help these businesses. State law may (usually) afford more rights to its citizens than does federal law. I doubt that any judge is going to accept the argument "regardless of what the state of New Jersey says about health coverage by companies doing business in New Jersey, since Federal law requires no more than to recognize opposite sex spouses, our business must only meet that standard."

Before you worry about the cost of litigating the issue, let me assure you that this would be ripe for a non-profit gay law group to do pro-bono.

Another, whinier excerpt:

Tom Walton, of East Brunswick, said the difference in name — civil unions versus marriage — sends a message that gay couples are inferior. "Having to explain it automatically devalues it," Walton said. "Even if it gives us the same rights marriage, it doesn't give us the respect."

The government can't make people respect you (and whining like this won't help either). If people don't respect same-sex unions, they probably won't respect them if you call them marriages either. The minute a male talks about his "husband" instead of his "wife," people are going to hear "partner." Whether they respect the coupling has nothing to do with what it's called.

Another Republican Sex Scandal

We aren't talking Foley proportions, but another Republican, this time a Senator from Idaho, was involved in something that may be, uh, inconsistent with his voting record. Apparently Senator Craig was arrested for lewd activity in which he was allegedly soliciting sex in an airport bathroom (ew). He plead guilty.

Why bring this up, it's just another scandal, and a relatively small one at that? He paid a $500 fine and his 10 day jail sentence was stayed. In the course of human events no one really cares.

Well, some people might care, since Craig has a predictably dismal voting record with regards to gay and lesbian issues (according at least to the HRC, the be all and end all of gay and lesbian policy positions--thank God we have them to tell us what to think). So it's easy to get smug and shout "hypocrite." That's a rather appropriate reaction, but that's not what I want to talk about.

Over at Sully's blog a guest blogger expressed some guarded sympathy for deeply closeted gays and lesbians. The blogger then noted that his sympathy does not extend far enough to accommodate those closeted gays and lesbians who, in order to protect their "shameful secret," are openly hostile to other gays and lesbians. Particularly those who are in a position to influence national policy. Fair enough. When I hear these kinds of stories I sort of feel something similar, a mix between pity and disappointment.

Don't get me wrong I am trying to defend his record at all. Instead, I am just noting that it must be awful to be someone like that. Really, all I can say is that thanks to some close friends and this blog, I'm grateful that in 40 years I will not be another Senator Craig.

Coming out update

today I had an IM conversation with Matt at Debriefing the Boys and we discussed my progress with coming out (sorry to treat you like a coming out coach, Matt--I hope you don't mind).

Where I am:

I have been out all summer. I was out at work (I rather expect I will return to the same firm after graduation--assuming I get an offer. I find out next week!). It really was great to learn to get comfortable with myself. I think that was an important step. Had I not taken it, I am certain I would be seriously considering staying in the closet for ages.

I have been able to date some, as well as just have fun. A lot has become clear to me this summer. For instance, I always hated kissing, until I started kissing guys. Now I actually really like it--a bit too much perhaps given my inability to remain appropriate after a drink or two. I suppose that means I actually am gay.

Where I need to be:

I really need to start thinking seriously about telling my family. So far, I have trying to build up to them, but Matt suggested it might be easier to go the other way: family first then friends. Otherwise i have worse worry for longer (let's face it, most of us are more concerned about how our family reacts than our friends, however close they may be).

Now, I have decided to wait about a year. Before you get too concerned that I am still stalling, let me tell you why. A year from now I will have graduated and finished taking the bar. I will have made, at least in my own mind, the transition into bona fide adulthood. As an adult I should be honest with my parents about who I am. But at the same time I will be in a position to take care of myself, should it come to that ( I don't expect it to, but it just seems prudent to have this option).

Further, assuming I get the job I hope to, I will be working rather long hours over 500 miles from where they live. That will give them a sort of buffer of time and space to deal with it on their own terms (and honestly, it will give me some means to forget about the discomfort my sexuality will cause them while they do deal with it).

Finally, it will give me time to prepare how to do it. Should I tell my sister first, or my parents first? I'll probably do it while they are visiting me here rather than at their home. I feel like I need to read up more. Perhaps plan out exactly the things I want to say. This is not the kind of thing I think I should jump into cavalierly. It wouldn't be fair to them.

PS: I regularly re-link to it, but once again I want to go over Nick's Mom's advice. She's awesome.

The Military

How come every time I watch a Jack Ryan movie I want go out and join the Armed Forces?

If I did, it might postpose the ugliness of coming out (it'll be for AMERICA!).

Of course, the idea of Hills as my Commandrix in Chief makes me physically ill. Nonetheless, I feel kind of disingenuous for not serving--like I use DADT as an excuse (as if I'm out and proud anyway).

Back and better than ever!

Or at least just back :)

I had a great time on my trip, and it made me decide that one day I want a lake house. And a baby (there was this adorable 7 month old on my trip with me!). I will have neither any time soon.

That's the good part; now the less comfortable part. I was with some friends from college, none of whom I have told I'm gay. At one point joking around with one of my friends, I made a lewd reference. And his reaction was mock disgust, and I, playing along, asked innocently "cross a line?" I suppose just to assure me that his reaction was in jest he said "there are no lines between us." Except he's wrong. He may not know it (maybe he does--people are never very surprised when I come out to them), but I am keeping something huge from him and the others on the trip (hmm, putting it that way sounds a little risque).

It reminded me that being secretive and in the closet feels really dishonest. Of course instead of using the moment or the weekend to be honest, I chickened out and just forced myself not to think about the whole matter. I made a mental note to bring it up on the blog and otherwise just put it out of my mind. The closet makes you good at that.

It also reminded me that being out this summer is still an experiment. It's going well, but I still have a lot of work to do. That's what it feels like: work. I'm still not quite ready to roll up my sleeves.

Anyway, folks, I'm ready to discuss health care with you again. Bring it on! :)

My new best friend Andy

I just got an email from Andrew Tobias (well, yes, it was a two line response to one I sent him, but do you have a personal letter from the treasurer of either the DNC or RNC? I didn't think so). Mr. Tobias, apart from being a mover and shaker, also wrote The Only Investment Guide You'll Ever Need, and more importantly The Best Little Boy in the World, which I found incredibly comforting as I contemplated my own coming out. For that reason, besides his political clout (but in the WRONG party!) and his financial advice, his little nod is especially meaningful to me.

Also, he seemed to think I would be more comfortable in the moderate wing of the Democratic Party. Well, no one's perfect :-)

Prince of India

So having just engaged in a discussion about how sad it is that we in this country care more about celebrities than actual issues, I went over to check out Perez Hilton. We all have our vices (besides I am in the midst of an US Weekly Pool Supplemental Draft--I need ideas!).

However, something of relative import showed up there: The only son of the King and Queen of India is gay, and was disowned by his family when he came out a year ago. (Please note: I linked the source article instead of Perez Hilton's post. It is more illuminating):

Homosexuality is against the law in India, and can be penalized with ten years to life in jail. Singh Gohil has become both the voice and face of those persecuted for their sexual orientation. Not only has the Prince publicly fallen from grace, but his mother has publicly disowned him, and his place as the next King of Rajpipla was in jeopardy.

* * *

Though his coming out was met with disappointment and outrage, Singh Gohil has adopted a noble cause, educating people about homosexuality and HIV/AIDS prevention.

"I came out in the newspapers openly that I'm gay and basically [because] I wanted to show to the world that even a prince can be gay," he said. "I wanted people to discuss homosexuality, which was always considered a taboo and a stigma… it's been existing in India but no one talked about it."

* * *

"There is a lack of awareness," Manvendra [Singh Gohil] explained. "The purpose of my coming out openly is for a cause, for a good cause, for the control of HIV/AIDS."

Anyway, for those of you who may have followed my politics v. policy discussion on DtB, I assure you that I consider opening minds in a homophobic culture and educating people about HIV and AIDS to be very legitimate foci of public discourse--Prince Singh Gohil's efforts have the potential for positively affecting many and hopefully those effects will outlast him, me and you.

Pride and Shame

June was Pride Month for GLBT folks (July is Pride month for all Americans!), and as I mentioned before, this year marked my first attendance at Pride Events as an openly gay person. I had been to a couple pride events in years past, but in my own mind, I attended as an anthropologist ("isn't it odd how even the fat ones take of their shirts?") not a participant.

I must say, that despite my concern that the Mardi Gras atmosphere may be counterproductive (and indeed leading to my inability to settle on whether Pride in ti's current form is good for us a "community" or not), I had a darn good time. After all, I am young; I like parties. Sure I may worry what the Fundies think of the bronzed and toned boys dancing on floats in their underwear, but in the meantime, I like looking at them. And talking to them!

It was refreshing to be around so many other gay people and supporters. Even when I was behind the table at the Log Cabin Booth, the vast majority of people who came up were very respectful, and many said something like "I'm a registered Democrat, but I still admire your courage in both the gay community and the Republican party." The whole weekend I got my taste of the relief of being out of the closet. It encouraged me to continue on this path.

But then my parents visited. Right back into the closet I went, almost subconsciously. I won't say that I am a huge projector of my sexuality (my voice is an anchorman's articulate baritone, not a femme's high-pitched lisp), but I do have a few stereotypical "tells" (crossing my legs at the knee, my choice of music), which I downplay around my parents. I didn't talk about any of my non-work friends, and even implied that I hadn't made any. The entire time they visited I could feel my face wanting to scowl, which was as much to hide any expression that may seem gay as it was a response to my discomfort.

That said, I do love my parents, and honestly I think I was more annoyed at myself than at them. Everyone who has taken the plunge tells me that it is much better on the other side of the mountain. Pride gave me my first real taste of that. Now I know more that than intellectually, I have experienced the relief of not hiding part of who I am. Nonetheless, my shame about being gay to my parents doesn't seem like it is dissipating. I found myself wondering if it was possible to be out where ever I end up and not ever affirmatively telling my parents (I determined that at some point my parents would realize that a lawyer doesn't need a "roommate," and my mother, as is her head-on way, would ask me directly). I have decided that this past visit is not the kind of relationship I want with my parents. Coming out to them is now all but inevitable. I just need to summon the strength.

Anyway, I want to thank everyone who has encouraged me so far; particularly my online friends Matt, Phil, and Jason, and my in-person friends Nick, Karen, Sean, Marcia, Alan and Allison. Hopefully I'll finish what I've started here.

"Gay Pioneers"

My firm's diversity committee sponsored a screening of the short (30 Min) documentary "Gay Pioneers." I went, though I was dreading it. I worried that this film would be the "woe-is-us, we're all victims" whine fest that I despise. I was quite pleasantly surprised. The film was all about the first (pre-stonewall) demonstrations for equal rights for gays and lesbians. The tone of the film was the much more optimistic "we've come such a long way (even if we still have a long way to go)" message that I and I think straight people can better relate to. I actually recommend it highly.

One thing that struck me: in the first Mattachine demonstrations (1965-1968) they had a strict code of dress and conduct. At the time they were fighting the misconception that gays were only a bunch of weirdo queens. Instead men had to wear suits; women had to wear dresses. They had to lower their signs when they played patriotic songs. They had to be respectful but firm. The message they wanted to convey was "we are upstanding citizens just like you." Contrast that with Pride today.

What does this say about us? It could go either way. On the one hand you might say our pride events that resemble gay Mardi Gras are doing nothing more than perpetuate the stereotype that we are weirdos. On the other, you might say, how great it is that we can be so visible, campy, and celebrate our differences without the (great) fear of people throwing stones at us. One could argue that the pride events of today have lost the message in favor of a week long party. Others might argue that Pride is more of a celebration of who we are than it is about gaining recognition, so a party is appropriate.

Not sure yet where I fall. I did enjoy my first "out" Pride this summer. But I do understand the importance of demonstrating that gays are just like ordinary citizens. Nonetheless, coming out of the closet is all about being honest instead of conforming to the requirements of society. These Pioneers in the 60s paved the way for social change that ALLOWS us take a weekend, week, or even whole month in most major cities to celebrate our progress and work towards even more. Then back on the first hand, I know that lots of people look at Pride as a prime example of the "decadence and immorality" of our community, making progress even harder. I don't have an answer here, and I would appreciate hearing your thoughts.

Parents Problem

In a couple weeks my parents are coming to visit me for a few days. While I'll be happy to see them, because I do love them, I am dreading their arrival in *my* city. I am still not ready to tell them, so the freedom to be me that I have been experiencing this summer will be pushed way back into the closet. I'm sure that when they get here it will be easy for me to revert to closet Pink Elephant around them, but knowing its coming makes me really uncomfortable.

I will not be introducing them to my new friends. I haven't told anyone that they are coming or even that I am not out to them. I find myself trying to pack in all sorts of activities so they don't really have the opportunity to ask about my personal life. ("Work has me too busy to date").

Yes, I realize there is an obvious solution, and that I should just tell them I'm gay. However, it won't just be my parents; it will also be my aunt and uncle. I suppose I am using my aunt and uncle as an excuse to avoid telling my parents, but really it doesn't seem fair or appropriate to just blurt it out to everyone at once. Also I hope to get more comfortable being an out gay man socially before I am out to them. Is that really just a lame cop-out? I don't know. Part of what upsets me is that even though I feel like I am making a lot of progress, on the parental front I am no better now than I was a year ago. I find that really frustrating.

I was hoping that venting here would make me feel better, but my stomach still tightens when I realize they are coming.

Hateful

I HATE outing people. I think it is a vile practice that is hardly ever justified. As someone dealing with the turmoil of coming out myself, I know how scary it is. I still remember how the worst thing in the world would be people finding out my secret. Outing someone is only cruel, and in the case of poor Tyler Whitney, particularly so. (The story I linked to is a prime example of the heartlessness I describe).

Here is a young Republican kid working as a webmaster for a presidential candidate. A marginal one at best, but still not a bad little item for a political resume. Whitney was quietly coming out to friends (indicating that he was not ashamed of his orientation or hiding it; rather he just felt it was a personal matter), but then because he happens to work for Tancredo some people decided it was high time to punish him.

In reality the outing was meant to throw egg on the face of the Tancredo campaign, the life of this poor kid being one of the shells that had to be broken. Anyone who denies this is lying or delusional. What does the alleged hypocrisy of one kid matter to me or any other gays at all? (Indeed we may ask what does the Tancredo campaign matter to us at all). Nothing, he is just an expendable political tool. It makes me physically ill.

As someone who knows full well the pain of being gay in the right (no one accepts you), my heart goes out to Tyler.

(H/t Queer Conservative)

Lunch

Today I am having lunch with another attorney who is openly gay. I met her and her partner last week at a firm event, and we scheduled this lunch to discuss her experiences with the firm (at the event she indicated they were positive). G., the attorney I am lunching with, is quite friendly and clearly the lipstick--not that that really matters, except that I often find myself unable to make conversation with the more masculine lesbians ("No, I don't follow football; did you see Wicked?" "No, I didn't see Wicked, but I am building a new deck." "I bought a new shirt." [Silence]). Anyway, lesbians of all types are people who do go through similar struggles as I do, and they deserve respect, but I am not the only one who feels a little awkward.

Nonetheless, I am looking forward to our lunch today.

PS: I have already had my very first actual gay date (as opposed to drunken hook-up)!!! I shall post about it this weekend.

Out at work

I had mentioned in my Timetable post (although i have rearranged some things) that this summer I would test the waters of being out. Well, I officially came out to Firm. I had been emailing a bit back and forth with a young associate (whom I'll refer to as C.) in the firm who is out as gay. C. told me that the firm is very accepting of GLBT employees and actually has received very high ratings in that regard. My firm explicitly includes sexual orientation in its non-discrimination policy and includes same-sex domestic partners in its benefit plans. C.'s own experience was that everyone is very supportive and encouraging, but only want to make sure that he is comfortable. C. encouraged me to let the diversity folks know, and today I did just that. I did mention that I don't want to make a big deal out of my orientation, but I thought the firm might like to know for its diversity numbers. Because I do want maintain a modicum of professionalism, my orientation hasn't come up with my colleagues ("Working hard there, Pink Elephant?" "Why yes, and did you also know that I am gay?"). When it does, however, I pledge to you, dear readers, that I will be forthright and honest about it.

Anyway, since I am at least 500 miles from my family, I also don't think it will hurt if I check out the upcoming Gay Pride events in my city.

P.S. I inadvertently ruined my laptop power cord, so in an effort to save my battery, my posts for the next week or so may be a little more sporadic than usual.

It's funny how the internet works

Doing a narcissistic google of my myself I found this on Democratic Underground of all places.

I suppose that politics aside, gay folks have something of a shared experience.

Here's the post the Democratic Underground refers to. Now that I get a few more readers, I think it is useful to highlight once again Nick's Mom's letter to me.

Meeting an old crush

I had my first crush on a boy my freshman year of college. His name was Zach. He adorably shy, beautiful (though a little short), and took great care of his body. We lived on the same floor and became good friends. Freshman year we did almost everything together: we ate dinner together in the dining hall, we studied together, we went to museums. I'll bet that people who didn't know us thought we might be boyfriends. Maybe even people who did know us.

Then sophomore year I was more standoffish. Sometimes I was downright cold to Zach. We saw each other often as we had many mutual friends, but we didn't do anything together anymore. I had realized that I had a crush on him and my solution to the "problem" was to pull away.

Fast forward to last semester, after visiting a nearby city I got an email from Zach. Apparently he had seen me walking down the street. After a short email conversation I explained that I lived nearby and occasionally visited his city and would give him a call the next time I saw him. Many busy months went by, and I wasn't able to visit. Once exams ended I made a special trip and we met for drinks.

Turns out that Zach lives in a "gay" part of his city, and he was wearing an outfit that fit the location (white linen capris). When I first saw Zach I thought to myself, "whoa, he's gay too!" Over drinks, however, my excitement waned when he said he had just quit his job and was going to move to Europe with his girlfriend, where they would probably get married.

Anyway, now someone from college knows I'm gay. I wanted to apologize for my frostiness after freshman year, but I was afraid that if I told Zach I had a crush on him it might make him uncomfortable. As much as I wanted him to be gay, now that he is planning to get married, I hope that he is straight. Sigh...

Why I will not pursue a wife of convenience

For a long time I considered pursuing a wife of convenience so I never had to come to terms with being gay. I would just play the part my family wanted me to. In fact, even when I started this blog, I had not completely rejected the idea. But as I mentioned in the last post, I have come to realize that marrying a woman for a beard would be a cruel thing to do. Even if all the cards were on the table from the beginning, such a marriage seems doomed. Here is a post about a post-coming out divorce. It's not a happy thing at all.

I just HAVE to come out.

A little too much wine

Everyone seems to agree that drunk posting is a bad idea, but on the contrary I think it will make me more honest.

I am really concerned about my Mom when I come out. I have always felt closer to my mom, but I am sure she will have the biggest problem that I am gay. It's comforting to hear stories of others that Moms can be surprisingly understanding, but even so, it's not a moment I am looking forward to. I know that my not being honest poisons our relationship, but I am most afraid of her reaction.

Time for honesty: I'm pretty sure my mom knows. She has actually asked me point blank before. I lied, of course. She then said, "it's not like we would hate you, bit it's just not a life I would choose for you. It's a hard life." I made thing worse by saying, " you have nothing to worry about." The words came out of my mouth before I could consider them.

Point taken, it's not an easy life, but neither is lying to myself and others while pretending to be straight. Certainly my family has religious problems, but I know they love me nonetheless. Regardless, it won't be an easy time for any of us when I come out, and it is not something I look forward to.

I plan to come out to my parents this summer (a whole year earlier than I expected before); I hope it goes acceptably. Sometimes I really, really wish I were straight so this wouldn't be an issue. No matter how it goes, I must express my extreme appreciation for the support I have gotten through this blog. All of you are awesome! thanks!