Friday, May 16, 2008


It's strange, I think that I have come to terms with my homosexuality personally. I may not be ready to tell some people, but I have accepted that I like men. Nonetheless, every so often I catch myself thinking about being married to a woman. Part of me rather misses the idea of having the picture perfect suburban life.

I know I can still find a partner, move to an upper middle class suburb, adopt a couple kids and have an enjoyable and satisfying life. Perhaps it's an internalized prejudice, but secretly it feels like a consolation prize. Maybe that's why I am not gung ho about my current relationship (I'm going to break it off, though I may pin the blame on graduation and "going in different directions" blah blah blah).

Occasionally I'll see a woman I think would make a "good wife." She's lovely (but not model beautiful), Southern (not redneck) in dress and manners, with an upbeat personality and a wry, sometimes sarcastic sense of humor. Indeed, I had just the girl picked out in undergrad. She was all those things plus my best friend. Add a cock and she'd have been perfect.

I wonder if these hang-ups come from being closeted to my family. Perhaps when I'm out to them, I'll be more comfortable. Even so, life would be a lot easier if I were straight.


jasonj said...


I think what your going through is something most of us go through. In my view, it comes from being a part of a minority. Even though our friends and family may accept us, we all know many of them can’t get their mind around same sex attraction, and that can cause you to have some self acceptance issues.

Do your best not to idealize heterosexual relationships, because they have their own set of difficulties, especially when balancing careers and kids. That is why more than half of them fall apart.

I really believe most of the difficulties in our lives are managed rather than resolved.

Anonymous said...

As always, Pink, I think Sullivan was here first. I seem to recall him mentioning somewhere that in a sense, love with a procreative possibility IS the ideal. For the future of our species, it must be. But also there is something mystical and astonishing about love that ends in a new life (that is, there is something almost spiritual in procreation that goes beyond the purely instrumental). I don't think we can avoid idealizing, in some ways, heterosexual coupling, both for evolutionary reasons and for more profound ones.

I would imagine that as concepts like gay marriage gain more acceptance and attitudes towards homosexuality continue to become more tolerant, gay love may eventually come with its own ideal. Maybe not. But as homosexuals receive more formal recognition -- socially, politically, etc. -- my suspicion is that their love will itself become bound up with formalities, structures, expectations, and more in ways it hasn't been in the past.

What is interesting in your comments, too, is the generational aspect. You are part of the first generation of gay men to basically come out of the closet and into a world where marriage is a possibility. So your concerns might be due to being part of a generation that is looking for the gay analogue to heterosexual manners and mores, yet not quite knowing what that will look like. Your dilemma might be part of a broader generational "in-betweenness." Just a thought.

- M

Michael in Norfolk said...


The operative issue is "if you were straight." Since you are not, you'd be doing yourself - and your wife an even bigger - disservice if you married. I've been there and done, that so I know of what I speak.

While I truly love my kids and would not give them up for anything, I will always feel some sadness for having cheated my ex-wife out of having a marriage with a straight man who clould love her fully.

I would also echo jasonj - there are many truly horrible straight marriage, and in general the "ideal" marriages are few and far between. Find a wonderful guy who you can love completely and adopt some kids or use a surrogate. Do not put some woman through a marriage that will short change both of you.

xoxo said...

there's a reason well-educated people have been leaving the republican party in droves in the last decade or so. won't you join us, pink?