Ups and Downs

This morning I was ready to tell the world that I am gay, and by this afternoon I was relieved I didn't have the chance. This cycle happens to me frequently, and I think the issue boils down to the fact that once I come out as gay, that's it. There's no turning back. I can't decide later that I preferred not being identified by my sexuality (a big issue for me). In fact, I cannot imagine something with more permanent consequences that finally identifying one's self as gay. A person can change his home, job, hairstyle, religion, political affiliation, even marital status, with relative ease, but coming out of the closet is not undone.

It's not that I am full of self loathing; I do not hate myself for being gay—in fact, other than my sexuality I am fairly self-assured. What worries me is that once I stop hiding it, the fact I am gay is all anyone will see. I do not want my sexuality to be a Cause Celeb for those who accept it, and even more so I do not want to be the target of homophobia for those who do not.

On the other hand, of course, finally being honest with myself and others could bring such relief. Intellectually I know it would be better to be out than in, but right now I lack the courage to stop lying about myself. I have a tall mountain to climb, and right now it's hard to see the how nice it will be on the other side.

In order to avoid becoming too brooding,here's a clip from one of my favorite American Dad moments—sure its full of stereotypes, but it still makes me laugh.