Tuesday, April 10, 2007

No Gay Days

Sometimes I have what I can only describe as "No Gay Days." These are days when I tell myself I am not going to do anything that reminds me that I am gay. I certainly avoid anything stereotypical (musicals, the Bravo Network), but I also avoid anything overtly masculine. I steer clear of humor based on homosexuality (like Tobias on Arrested Development), as well anything that might arouse me.

I'm not sure why I do this. I tell myself it is a away to focus on other things that make me who I am, or to avoid beginning to define myself entirely by my sexuality. Honestly, my ideal world is one in which my sexuality is a non-issue, like being left-handed or not liking broccoli. However, part of me wonders if it is just a way to go back into a mini-closet, or if it's rooted in my gay shame.

Is this a typical part of coming out? I would especially appreciate comments on this.


Jason said...

You see... simply doing that is defining your life by your sexuality. You don't want your sexuality to define you... but by avoiding things that might make your sexuality apparent... you're still defining yourself by your sexuality. By trying not to draw attention to it... your giving it a greater prominence.

It's not abnormal. Everyone else has had years of practice at this... starting from high school. We get stuck figuring it out late and accepting it late. On top of it is that we have no guidance... no parents, no societal norms for how to grow into our sexuality.

I'll reference something from Dignity USA's (Pro-gay Catholic organization) document on sexual ethics. One of the most difficult challenges for every homosexual is personal integration, integrating the many facets of their lives including their sexuality. Our many facets shape who we are, are shaped by who we are, and help shape each other. Integration happens when sexuality is just one more facet, no different than any other, expressed just as normally as being a son, a student, a Republican, being religious, liking music... whatever the facets are.

That's what you're trying to do... and it will take time. It takes time for all of us. You have to get to the point where you are just you and don't give your sexuality a second thought. You just need to get to a point where you cease to think about whether you seem to be doing gay things and instead you just do the things that are you.

When you see your sexuality as a regular part of you and nothing more... you'll feel a lot better.

I hope this helps.

Matt said...

thats so interesting. i've never experienced that, and have never heard of anybody doing that. but maybe it's a healthy way to make sure you don't get too caught up in all things gay.

Ron said...

I get so busy with work that there are days I don't think about my sexuality. When I hang around my gay friends I don't think about my sexuality until some gay comment is made. I am trying to learn to intergrate my sexuality into my regular life. But if I had a boyfriend.....