On a personal note

I think I am going to take a break from slaughtering manatees, shooting homeless people, and other traditional Republican recreations and talk a little bit about my personal life.

I am only a short way from graduation, and at school I have gone from being deeply in the closet to being out at school. Indeed, straight people now ask me questions as though I some kind of ambassador from the gays (I know, I wouldn't have chosen me to be the gay ambassador either!). Somehow when people find out you are gay, you become everyone's shopping consultant--though honestly I am hard pressed to think of anything less consequential to my life than women's fashion. Nonetheless I do my best to help my friends. Don't worry, boys, I am not sharing any real secrets with breeders; that thing we do with rabbit fur and coke bottles will stay within the community.

I am still not out to anyone in my family. My mom has very obviously given me opportunities to come out, but I am not going to come out to her out of exasperation over the phone. Further, graduation doesn't seem like an appropriate time, basically because the whole family will be here and I see no reason to come out to my grandparents at all. So for the near future, that is probably not going to change.

I am still dating someone, although I feel like I am merely going through the motions (enjoyable as those motions may be). I'm not terribly emotionally invested. Whether it's because I am still uncomfortable with being gay and dating a boy, or I actually am just not that in to him, I leave to only God to know for sure.

Within a month I will be moving to a brand new city--an actual city!!!--to study for the bar and eventually begin my career. It's strange, I still feel too young for this. People's dads are lawyers, not people my age. Naturally I'm nervous, but I'm also excited.

I've been drinking less. I found that I was a bored drinker, and that just seems dangerous. I'm not going completely abstinent, but I am just being careful to be a more moderate consumer of alcohol.

So that's just a little of going on with me that doesn't involve words like "entitlement" or "energy policy" or people I don't know personally but still have strong opinions about.

Good news

My sister is pregnant! I'm gonna be a "funny" uncle :)

This isn't about marriage

By this, I mean this post. Surely, at this point, you are all familiar with my position on gay marriage (indifferent) as opposed to civil unions (support).* However, I find this video encouraging:



Why do I find it encouraging? Not because I care that much about marriage, but because Mayor Sanders is a Republican. Another Republican who is more amenable to gay rights is someone everyone loves to compare to Emperor Palpatine, the Vice President. What do these two men have in common? Gay daughters.

These kinds of things show that while it may easy for some people to think of gays and lesbians as "the others," proximity and experience causes second thoughts. This isn't the case of "we're queer, we're here, get used to it" being shouted from outside their homes. Rather, the proximity comes from inside the home, the office, the country club. It's not a question of numbers or visibility, per se. The experience comes from the happy times they spend with people before realizing they are gay. It's about people learning that gays and lesbians are their sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, parents, friends, neighbors, colleagues, etc.

It's quite difficult to be gay and then get close to someone who is a homophobe. Instead it seems to be more effective to be close first and then come out as gay. Sure there are still cases of "no son of mine," and I personally dread coming out to my old-guard Republican family, but seeing things like Mayor Sanders have a change of heart because he realized he loves his daughter more than the party line gives me great hope.

On a grander scale that's why I still refuse to leave the Republican Party. If I leave and become an elephant hunter, it's like my shouting gay pride slogans right outside their home. Republicans won't change their minds from angry outside opposition, instead they will get defensive and even more steadfast in their homophobia. I honestly think that well within my lifetime we are going to see the Republican fear of gays and lesbians go the way of opposition to fear of interracial marriage. But that it's only going to happen through relationship and bridge building; it's positive experience with gays and lesbians that will make the difference.

P.S. This isn't the post I can't remember. I fear that one may have evaporated forever.

(H/T: Richard J. Rosendall at Independent Gay Forum)

* According to Towleroad, some New Jersey same-sex couples are reporting that civil unions as opposed to marriage are not enough. An excerpt:

Craig Ross, of Somerset, said his employer refused to give health coverage to his partner, Richard Cash, after the two formed a civil union in April. They were one of several couples who described how business have cited federal laws that refer to 'marriage' or 'spouses' in order to deny health coverage to gay and lesbian employees who have tried to obtain benefits for their partners under New Jersey's civil union law. "They're looking at it as a ceremony, not even a relationship or a legal status," Ross said. "It's just words."

This seems like a) poor drafting of the New Jersey law or b) poor lawyering by the businesses. I don't have a copy (and am too lazy to find one) of the New Jersey law, so I cannot say for sure. Simply creating a ceremony recognized by the state called a civil union but does not afford that union equal legal status with a marriage, is as Craig Ross argues, "just words."

If, however, it does afford civil unions the same legal status as a marriage, then I am not sure how citing Federal statutes that refer to "marriage" and "spouse" will help these businesses. State law may (usually) afford more rights to its citizens than does federal law. I doubt that any judge is going to accept the argument "regardless of what the state of New Jersey says about health coverage by companies doing business in New Jersey, since Federal law requires no more than to recognize opposite sex spouses, our business must only meet that standard."

Before you worry about the cost of litigating the issue, let me assure you that this would be ripe for a non-profit gay law group to do pro-bono.

Another, whinier excerpt:

Tom Walton, of East Brunswick, said the difference in name — civil unions versus marriage — sends a message that gay couples are inferior. "Having to explain it automatically devalues it," Walton said. "Even if it gives us the same rights marriage, it doesn't give us the respect."

The government can't make people respect you (and whining like this won't help either). If people don't respect same-sex unions, they probably won't respect them if you call them marriages either. The minute a male talks about his "husband" instead of his "wife," people are going to hear "partner." Whether they respect the coupling has nothing to do with what it's called.

Coming out update

today I had an IM conversation with Matt at Debriefing the Boys and we discussed my progress with coming out (sorry to treat you like a coming out coach, Matt--I hope you don't mind).

Where I am:

I have been out all summer. I was out at work (I rather expect I will return to the same firm after graduation--assuming I get an offer. I find out next week!). It really was great to learn to get comfortable with myself. I think that was an important step. Had I not taken it, I am certain I would be seriously considering staying in the closet for ages.

I have been able to date some, as well as just have fun. A lot has become clear to me this summer. For instance, I always hated kissing, until I started kissing guys. Now I actually really like it--a bit too much perhaps given my inability to remain appropriate after a drink or two. I suppose that means I actually am gay.

Where I need to be:

I really need to start thinking seriously about telling my family. So far, I have trying to build up to them, but Matt suggested it might be easier to go the other way: family first then friends. Otherwise i have worse worry for longer (let's face it, most of us are more concerned about how our family reacts than our friends, however close they may be).

Now, I have decided to wait about a year. Before you get too concerned that I am still stalling, let me tell you why. A year from now I will have graduated and finished taking the bar. I will have made, at least in my own mind, the transition into bona fide adulthood. As an adult I should be honest with my parents about who I am. But at the same time I will be in a position to take care of myself, should it come to that ( I don't expect it to, but it just seems prudent to have this option).

Further, assuming I get the job I hope to, I will be working rather long hours over 500 miles from where they live. That will give them a sort of buffer of time and space to deal with it on their own terms (and honestly, it will give me some means to forget about the discomfort my sexuality will cause them while they do deal with it).

Finally, it will give me time to prepare how to do it. Should I tell my sister first, or my parents first? I'll probably do it while they are visiting me here rather than at their home. I feel like I need to read up more. Perhaps plan out exactly the things I want to say. This is not the kind of thing I think I should jump into cavalierly. It wouldn't be fair to them.

PS: I regularly re-link to it, but once again I want to go over Nick's Mom's advice. She's awesome.

Pride and Shame

June was Pride Month for GLBT folks (July is Pride month for all Americans!), and as I mentioned before, this year marked my first attendance at Pride Events as an openly gay person. I had been to a couple pride events in years past, but in my own mind, I attended as an anthropologist ("isn't it odd how even the fat ones take of their shirts?") not a participant.

I must say, that despite my concern that the Mardi Gras atmosphere may be counterproductive (and indeed leading to my inability to settle on whether Pride in ti's current form is good for us a "community" or not), I had a darn good time. After all, I am young; I like parties. Sure I may worry what the Fundies think of the bronzed and toned boys dancing on floats in their underwear, but in the meantime, I like looking at them. And talking to them!

It was refreshing to be around so many other gay people and supporters. Even when I was behind the table at the Log Cabin Booth, the vast majority of people who came up were very respectful, and many said something like "I'm a registered Democrat, but I still admire your courage in both the gay community and the Republican party." The whole weekend I got my taste of the relief of being out of the closet. It encouraged me to continue on this path.

But then my parents visited. Right back into the closet I went, almost subconsciously. I won't say that I am a huge projector of my sexuality (my voice is an anchorman's articulate baritone, not a femme's high-pitched lisp), but I do have a few stereotypical "tells" (crossing my legs at the knee, my choice of music), which I downplay around my parents. I didn't talk about any of my non-work friends, and even implied that I hadn't made any. The entire time they visited I could feel my face wanting to scowl, which was as much to hide any expression that may seem gay as it was a response to my discomfort.

That said, I do love my parents, and honestly I think I was more annoyed at myself than at them. Everyone who has taken the plunge tells me that it is much better on the other side of the mountain. Pride gave me my first real taste of that. Now I know more that than intellectually, I have experienced the relief of not hiding part of who I am. Nonetheless, my shame about being gay to my parents doesn't seem like it is dissipating. I found myself wondering if it was possible to be out where ever I end up and not ever affirmatively telling my parents (I determined that at some point my parents would realize that a lawyer doesn't need a "roommate," and my mother, as is her head-on way, would ask me directly). I have decided that this past visit is not the kind of relationship I want with my parents. Coming out to them is now all but inevitable. I just need to summon the strength.

Anyway, I want to thank everyone who has encouraged me so far; particularly my online friends Matt, Phil, and Jason, and my in-person friends Nick, Karen, Sean, Marcia, Alan and Allison. Hopefully I'll finish what I've started here.

Parents Problem

In a couple weeks my parents are coming to visit me for a few days. While I'll be happy to see them, because I do love them, I am dreading their arrival in *my* city. I am still not ready to tell them, so the freedom to be me that I have been experiencing this summer will be pushed way back into the closet. I'm sure that when they get here it will be easy for me to revert to closet Pink Elephant around them, but knowing its coming makes me really uncomfortable.

I will not be introducing them to my new friends. I haven't told anyone that they are coming or even that I am not out to them. I find myself trying to pack in all sorts of activities so they don't really have the opportunity to ask about my personal life. ("Work has me too busy to date").

Yes, I realize there is an obvious solution, and that I should just tell them I'm gay. However, it won't just be my parents; it will also be my aunt and uncle. I suppose I am using my aunt and uncle as an excuse to avoid telling my parents, but really it doesn't seem fair or appropriate to just blurt it out to everyone at once. Also I hope to get more comfortable being an out gay man socially before I am out to them. Is that really just a lame cop-out? I don't know. Part of what upsets me is that even though I feel like I am making a lot of progress, on the parental front I am no better now than I was a year ago. I find that really frustrating.

I was hoping that venting here would make me feel better, but my stomach still tightens when I realize they are coming.

Congratulations

Mary Cheney gave birth to a son! Let's see how long before the hate-mongers (of the left wing variety) start making asses of themselves. Oh, not long at all. Check out some of the comments on the Towleroad article about the baby.