On a personal note

I think I am going to take a break from slaughtering manatees, shooting homeless people, and other traditional Republican recreations and talk a little bit about my personal life.

I am only a short way from graduation, and at school I have gone from being deeply in the closet to being out at school. Indeed, straight people now ask me questions as though I some kind of ambassador from the gays (I know, I wouldn't have chosen me to be the gay ambassador either!). Somehow when people find out you are gay, you become everyone's shopping consultant--though honestly I am hard pressed to think of anything less consequential to my life than women's fashion. Nonetheless I do my best to help my friends. Don't worry, boys, I am not sharing any real secrets with breeders; that thing we do with rabbit fur and coke bottles will stay within the community.

I am still not out to anyone in my family. My mom has very obviously given me opportunities to come out, but I am not going to come out to her out of exasperation over the phone. Further, graduation doesn't seem like an appropriate time, basically because the whole family will be here and I see no reason to come out to my grandparents at all. So for the near future, that is probably not going to change.

I am still dating someone, although I feel like I am merely going through the motions (enjoyable as those motions may be). I'm not terribly emotionally invested. Whether it's because I am still uncomfortable with being gay and dating a boy, or I actually am just not that in to him, I leave to only God to know for sure.

Within a month I will be moving to a brand new city--an actual city!!!--to study for the bar and eventually begin my career. It's strange, I still feel too young for this. People's dads are lawyers, not people my age. Naturally I'm nervous, but I'm also excited.

I've been drinking less. I found that I was a bored drinker, and that just seems dangerous. I'm not going completely abstinent, but I am just being careful to be a more moderate consumer of alcohol.

So that's just a little of going on with me that doesn't involve words like "entitlement" or "energy policy" or people I don't know personally but still have strong opinions about.

Fun things to hear

My trip to visit Karen's family was delightful! Her parents are perfectly hospitable. Although on Sunday we decided to stay an extra night in a hotel and not tell them, just to be spontaneous.

Anyway, to summarize my trip let me list things that are fun to hear:

"I hope you like steak"

"We can replace your phone for free"

"Those jeans make your ass look good. You should get them."

"Of course we should get more wine"

"Here's your swordfish"

"I'd love to sing showtunes with you both"

"That's enough football, let's get in the hot tub"

"No, sir, it isn't a problem to cancel your 6am wake up call"

Well, that was fun

I got back safe and sound. I went to visit my friend Karen (whom you may remember from here, or here-Sean by the way is out of the country). Some highlights:

I woke up the first morning not in Karen's apartment like I should have, but instead in the hallway on the floor above.

I learned that I will make out for a drink. Sometimes for less. (I'm a little embarrassed about that one).

I saw some great theater.

I had one of the best steaks in living memory.

I got to meet Karen's friend Kim. She lives in a charming porno district.

I spent more money than I care to think about.

On the plane trip back I read Harry Potter 7.

Good times, good times.

Back and better than ever!

Or at least just back :)

I had a great time on my trip, and it made me decide that one day I want a lake house. And a baby (there was this adorable 7 month old on my trip with me!). I will have neither any time soon.

That's the good part; now the less comfortable part. I was with some friends from college, none of whom I have told I'm gay. At one point joking around with one of my friends, I made a lewd reference. And his reaction was mock disgust, and I, playing along, asked innocently "cross a line?" I suppose just to assure me that his reaction was in jest he said "there are no lines between us." Except he's wrong. He may not know it (maybe he does--people are never very surprised when I come out to them), but I am keeping something huge from him and the others on the trip (hmm, putting it that way sounds a little risque).

It reminded me that being secretive and in the closet feels really dishonest. Of course instead of using the moment or the weekend to be honest, I chickened out and just forced myself not to think about the whole matter. I made a mental note to bring it up on the blog and otherwise just put it out of my mind. The closet makes you good at that.

It also reminded me that being out this summer is still an experiment. It's going well, but I still have a lot of work to do. That's what it feels like: work. I'm still not quite ready to roll up my sleeves.

Anyway, folks, I'm ready to discuss health care with you again. Bring it on! :)

Social calendar

I'm seeing the date boy again tonight. Tomorrow is a Firm Cocktail party, and then Friday night I have a date with another boy. Saturday I am going to a party at the house of the Lesbian I had lunch with. I've never felt this popular.

Lunch

Today I am having lunch with another attorney who is openly gay. I met her and her partner last week at a firm event, and we scheduled this lunch to discuss her experiences with the firm (at the event she indicated they were positive). G., the attorney I am lunching with, is quite friendly and clearly the lipstick--not that that really matters, except that I often find myself unable to make conversation with the more masculine lesbians ("No, I don't follow football; did you see Wicked?" "No, I didn't see Wicked, but I am building a new deck." "I bought a new shirt." [Silence]). Anyway, lesbians of all types are people who do go through similar struggles as I do, and they deserve respect, but I am not the only one who feels a little awkward.

Nonetheless, I am looking forward to our lunch today.

PS: I have already had my very first actual gay date (as opposed to drunken hook-up)!!! I shall post about it this weekend.

Meeting an old crush

I had my first crush on a boy my freshman year of college. His name was Zach. He adorably shy, beautiful (though a little short), and took great care of his body. We lived on the same floor and became good friends. Freshman year we did almost everything together: we ate dinner together in the dining hall, we studied together, we went to museums. I'll bet that people who didn't know us thought we might be boyfriends. Maybe even people who did know us.

Then sophomore year I was more standoffish. Sometimes I was downright cold to Zach. We saw each other often as we had many mutual friends, but we didn't do anything together anymore. I had realized that I had a crush on him and my solution to the "problem" was to pull away.

Fast forward to last semester, after visiting a nearby city I got an email from Zach. Apparently he had seen me walking down the street. After a short email conversation I explained that I lived nearby and occasionally visited his city and would give him a call the next time I saw him. Many busy months went by, and I wasn't able to visit. Once exams ended I made a special trip and we met for drinks.

Turns out that Zach lives in a "gay" part of his city, and he was wearing an outfit that fit the location (white linen capris). When I first saw Zach I thought to myself, "whoa, he's gay too!" Over drinks, however, my excitement waned when he said he had just quit his job and was going to move to Europe with his girlfriend, where they would probably get married.

Anyway, now someone from college knows I'm gay. I wanted to apologize for my frostiness after freshman year, but I was afraid that if I told Zach I had a crush on him it might make him uncomfortable. As much as I wanted him to be gay, now that he is planning to get married, I hope that he is straight. Sigh...