Personal Life Update

I am having the most marvelous experience amidst these troubling waters simply because I have found someone to weather the times with.

Back in the closet, I thought I was doomed to a loveless but conventional heterosexual marriage, where I became a worka/alcoholic and my wife became ever more bitter and depressed (and perhaps addicted to prescription drugs and alcohol in her own right). Perhaps if I could marry someone I consider a very close friend, it would mitigate the problem, but after 10-20 years of limited physical intimacy and personal repression, who knows what kind of powder keg I'd be.

Then when I came out, admittedly harboring the stereotype that gay relationships are built almost entirely on sex and little else, I was not encouraged. I still wanted picket fences, two children, and a dog.

Then I had a pseudo-boyfriend in my last year school. I was still nervous about being gay and never really opened emotionally, something that has always been difficult for me. Plus the automatic expiration date on our relationship made wonder what the point was.

Then I graduated law school, moved to a new city, and started studying for the bar. I reconnected with someone from last summer. For a while, it was a relationship based on sex, but then it was obvious that he had fallen in love with me well before I had with him (I don't know why but people seem to love me easily, even though I can be cranky, obnoxious and smug. I must be very good in bed.) I was nervous about his feelings, until one night I had realized that inexplicably and without warning my heart opened up and I was in love with him.

If we want to over-analyze, perhaps since I knew that he was already in love with me, I didn't have to risk rejection by opening up emotionally--whatever the reason, I did, and I am so very happy I did.

This boy is always in my mind during the day when we are at work (he has a career, not just a job, of his own--luckily it is well outside of my field so no petty professional jealousies are at risk). He's significantly older than I am, but apparently I have a personal maturity that seems to bridge that gap.

He knows I am a Republican, and respects that; he is a Democrat and I respect that.

I don't mind saying that we are an attractive couple (I rate about an 8.5 and he a 9.5 on a scale of 10) who are poised to become a local gay power couple (he is at the top of his field, and I am starting in a rather lucrative and high profile one).

He practically lives with me. Nothing official, but we spend every night together, and we have to stay at my house because I am the one with the dog. Whenever I am in his arms I feel warmth and comfort throughout my body. Being in love was always such a mysterious abstract thought, now I feel my love for this boy all over. I easily envision our long future together.

Most traumatizing perhaps is, a short time ago, I realized that being with him was the most important thing in the world to me--beyond my goals of wealth building or dreams of public office. I finally, and to my amazement, found someone I care more about than I do myself.

This is a brave new world for The Pink Elephant, and no financial crisis or Obama Presidency is going to be enough to ruin it for me. For the first time ever, I think I would describe myself as truly and deeply happy.

Now don't ask if I have introduced him to anyone in my family....

On a personal note

I think I am going to take a break from slaughtering manatees, shooting homeless people, and other traditional Republican recreations and talk a little bit about my personal life.

I am only a short way from graduation, and at school I have gone from being deeply in the closet to being out at school. Indeed, straight people now ask me questions as though I some kind of ambassador from the gays (I know, I wouldn't have chosen me to be the gay ambassador either!). Somehow when people find out you are gay, you become everyone's shopping consultant--though honestly I am hard pressed to think of anything less consequential to my life than women's fashion. Nonetheless I do my best to help my friends. Don't worry, boys, I am not sharing any real secrets with breeders; that thing we do with rabbit fur and coke bottles will stay within the community.

I am still not out to anyone in my family. My mom has very obviously given me opportunities to come out, but I am not going to come out to her out of exasperation over the phone. Further, graduation doesn't seem like an appropriate time, basically because the whole family will be here and I see no reason to come out to my grandparents at all. So for the near future, that is probably not going to change.

I am still dating someone, although I feel like I am merely going through the motions (enjoyable as those motions may be). I'm not terribly emotionally invested. Whether it's because I am still uncomfortable with being gay and dating a boy, or I actually am just not that in to him, I leave to only God to know for sure.

Within a month I will be moving to a brand new city--an actual city!!!--to study for the bar and eventually begin my career. It's strange, I still feel too young for this. People's dads are lawyers, not people my age. Naturally I'm nervous, but I'm also excited.

I've been drinking less. I found that I was a bored drinker, and that just seems dangerous. I'm not going completely abstinent, but I am just being careful to be a more moderate consumer of alcohol.

So that's just a little of going on with me that doesn't involve words like "entitlement" or "energy policy" or people I don't know personally but still have strong opinions about.

Weekend Getaway

The boy is one that I have mentioned here before. I met him, and we went to a mountain retreat for the weekend. Without revealing too much about my whereabouts (Cheney and I prize our secrecy), I must say the mountains are GAW-geous.

It was a rather leisurely weekend of eating, drinking and other things [[ ;-) ]]. Neither of us are terribly outdoorsey, so we didn't go up for the hiking or anything else, just for a change of scenery and the chance to be alone.

Chris is terribly generous, and I may have actually paid less than my fair share (while I don't really like the idea of taking advantage of someone, it's nice not to be taken advantage of!). Nonetheless, the things I did pay for, I typically had to convince him to let me.

I'm finding myself growing fonder and fonder of Chris, and I am sad to leave him. I wouldn't say we are dating dating, but I would definitely consider it. And it's not because he pays for things. Well, not just because of that :)

A Gentleman Caller

I will be seeing a boy for a long weekend.

Don't wait up for me.

The situation

Tim noticed that I have been rather doctrinaire lately. He posits that it is because some left wing boy broke my heart. It's true that my mind has been elsewhere lately, but actually it's quite the opposite: people seem to fall in love with me too easily. I know it sounds a bit conceited, and I, of course, say it with tongue in cheek (this time my own), but really I am not used to this.

Back in my "straight" days, I was basically asexual. I ignored girls sexually, and was oblivious and indifferent as to whether they ignored me. Sexual attraction was largely a non-issue.

All of a sudden, I spent a summer out of the closet, and went, admittedly, a little wild. Now I can't seem to leave the summer in the summer. Not a day seems to go by without a text from some guy I met last summer (thankfully, David got the message. Though I doubt he reads the blog). One guy even offered to fly me back to the city for a long weekend. I'm not saying we're in stalker land, but then again I don't really know where that line is.

Here's the odd part, while I consider myself above average on looks, intelligence and personality, I don't think I am enough on any measure to warrant the kind of attention I am getting. It's not that I don't like the attention, it just confuses me. I like the attention; I want people to want me, but I feel a little guilty about leading the boys on.

Last date Lowdown

After an unexcused absence I am finally ready to tell you about the last date of the summer. I met Chris at my city's primary gay bar the week before I left for my trip to visit Karen. He bought me a drink [[we made out]]. Anyway, we texted a bit for a week, and then when I got back we arranged our date.

Chris is a "paramedical esthetician," which I think means "pretend plastic surgeon." He works for a real surgeon, and I get the impression Chris can use needles and lasers, just not a scalpel. Botox but not breast implants, and so forth. Of course I have no idea. Nonetheless, he seems to do well for himself [[I didn't have to pay!!]]. Chris is slightly nellier than I tend to prefer, but since he has a professional (mildly?) job, I was able to overlook that. I think I am becoming something of a career queen (surely there is such a thing?). Did I mention he paid [[I'm two steps away from being a prostitute, boy toy, second husband]]?

I arrive at his condo (he has equity! Swoon!) and I call to tell him I'm in the lobby. Turns out he's not ready yet, but buzzes me up anyway. Turns out his view is gorgeous, and I spent time out on his balcony as he finished getting dressed (nothing scandalous here--he did so in his bath and bedroom). Shortly thereafter, (though still after a surprisingly long time) we are on our way to a Vodka Bar [[not really a gay bar, but practically one]].

He has a Cosmo; I have a Vodka Tonic [[I am the more butch of our pair]]. We both eat Salads. Eat drink talk eat drink talk. Learning my lesson I do not disclose that I hunt the poor and minorities for sport [[am a Republican]]. We talk about work and theater and other such stuff. Eventually I learn that Chris considers himself a movie buff [[he follows the Oscars closely but has probably never heard of, say, The Seventh Seal. Not that I judge him for that, I mean, who likes Swedish cinema?]]. Chris was quite surprised that I had not seen The Queen yet. Several drinks later we decide to go to his condo to watch that film.

I still have not seen The Queen [[ ;-) ]].

Last date of the summer

I'm meeting him for drink in a little bit. He's part Greek and really cute. Too bad I met him right before I go back to law school :(

I'll tell you everything later--now it's time to make myself presentable!

Why I am not taking your calls anymore

David,

By now it should be clear to you that we are not "over;" we are a "never were." I really don't want to hear from you in the future. Let me tell you why.

1) I made it clear from the beginning that I am not looking for a relationship. I am only in town for the summer, so anything long term is out of the question. Also, you know I am only just barely out, and any dating I do is more about testing the waters than looking for a boyfriend. The expiration date of whatever we were has passed.

2) Despite my being clear about our having no future, you sure got possessive really quick. You flipped out when I mentioned I had a date with another boy. You tried to make me feel guilty, even though I WAS ALWAYS CLEAR THAT WE WEREN'T GOING TO BE SERIOUS. You even got me to apologize just to shut you up. That was a big strike against you. When you asked later if I had seen 401(k) again, I lied when I said no. Shame on me, sure, but I was trying to avoid another scene.

3) Then the next time we went out, you got someone's phone number. Were you trying to get back at me, or are you just a hypocrite? Either way, strike two.

4) It might have been nice for you to have paid once. I know I made more money than you, but it's not like I took you to Bistro Vendre Trop Cher to flaunt it. I was careful only to take you to places that you could afford as well. Yet, never even a suggestion that you could pay this time. Classy. Strike Three. In baseball you would have been out at this point. Lucky for you, I don't follow sports.

5) The moment I decided not have any more to do with you came at Pride. HUGE red flags went up when you revealed your cavalier attitude towards HIV testing. Thank God this prude was always very careful.

6) When two weeks before my trip I said, "let's see what my schedule is like after my trip," that should have tipped you off that I am pulling away.

Oh, and while we're at it, here are some other things I don't like about you.

7) You smoke. [Note to blog readers, although I will fight for the smoker against the government, it is a disgusting habit, and it doesn't make me want to kiss you].

8) You have no obvious goals or ambitions.

9) I have to explain my jokes to you.

10) You called me "honey." I never want to be called "honey." "Dear" is even worse. We weren't even close to point where you could try out pet names.

11) You reacted very badly when I mentioned that I am not a Democrat. I don't expect you to agree with me politically, but I do expect that you can at least allow me to have my own opinions.

So, David, I hate to be the bad guy, but you leave me no choice. We are not compatible at all. I wish you the best and hope you can grow up some. However, you will not be growing with me. Please lose my number.

Most sincerely,
Pink Elephant

PS: I've met someone else.

Another date

Since my last couple of posts were rather serious and sparked a bit of controversy (thanks to Matt and the DtB readers for joining in!), I thought I'd lighten things up with a description of my latest date. I mentioned when discussing last week's social calendar, I was going out with yet another boy. It was the second time we had seen him (you see, we had our pre-date last Sunday), so in gay dating time we have known each other for over a month. (note: I shall continue to translate for my 6 straight readers).

This boy has only one job [[is not an artist/actor/musician supporting his "craft" with a day job]], and even contributes to his 401(k)! This fact alone made me melt (I am a Republican after all).

We met downtown near where I work (he works in the suburbs but got off before I did). I had neglected to get dinner reservations because 1) I am still new to the city and don't know what the really good restaurants are, and 2) it didn't look like you needed them anyway. We were seated immediately once we selected a little french bistro [[overpriced pretentious cafe, that was sort of romantic anyway]]. The two of us decided to try a new drink together, so we ordered a Trance (have no idea what was in it, but it was blue and tasty). We had a couple each. Regardless of my alcohol consumption, I was able to remain discrete about the fact that I hunt old people and the poor for sport [[am a Republican]].

Our plan had been to go to a movie after dinner [[make out in the theater]], but dinner ran long, and so instead we just walked around this trendy [[expensive, and though not officially gay, popular among gays]] area of town. We stopped in a gelateria that also served gelato-based alcoholic drinks! Finally, we ended up at a coffee shop with an outdoor patio and people watched [[judged the appearance of passers-by]]. We found that we have compatible senses of humor (probably in my top three criteria for a date).

After coffee, we decided to check out the big gay bar in this city. Oddly enough, Friday seemed to be a rather slow night. Although Thursday is their big night (I never understood that--don't people have work on Friday too?), Friday was especially slow, judging from some of the remarks from the staff. Nonetheless, there were enough people to run the gamut of all gay stereotypes.

First there was an older gentleman who resembled Mr. Humphries from Are You Being Served. Mr. Humphries, was dressed age appropriately [[as a 50+ year old he was wearing Brooks Brothers not Abercrombie]] and appeared to be with another gentleman. As 401(k) (that will be my date's name in this blog) was ordering our drinks, Mr. Humphries approached him and had a polite, if flirty conversation. 401(k) asked him if the other gentleman was his partner and Mr. Humphries replied, "Oh god no! There's no ring on this finger. I noticed you don't have a ring either." I asked later if 401(k) knew this man, and the response was "no, and he made me really uncomfortable." Later in the evening I glanced in the direction of Mr. Humphries and got a little wave and a "let me show you a good time" look. I waved back out of my southern politeness instincts, but I felt creepy.

Then 401(k) introduced me to a couple boys he actually knew. One was like a gay parody from some sitcom. He was a hair designer [[he cuts hair for way too much money]] with bleached hair, was about 6'2 and had anywhere from 0 to 1% body fat. He talked with an affected femme-y voice (I presume affected because when he genuinely laughed the pitch didn't really match his speaking voice), and was snarkily sarcastic in a way that's really funny, but in the back of your mind you wonder what he's going to say about you when you leave. The hair designer was with a friend who had similarly bleached hair, though it was much longer than hair designers, and the friend wore not only lip gloss but eye makeup and had perfectly white teeth [[spent his money on both hair AND teeth bleaching]]. I was decided un-made-up [[my pre-going-out grooming regimen had only taken about an hour]]. Seriously, if these two had been characters in a movie, the gay community would be outraged at the unfair stereotyping.

Without going into the specifics of everyone I met, suffice it to say that there were all kinds in this bar, some I liked more than others.

After we had been out for several hours [[about the end of the third date in gay dating time]] we decided to explore of 401(k)'s employee discount at the hotel chain he works for, "just to see" [[find out if we could get a nice room on the cheap]]. We ended up at a really posh hotel for next to nothing [[$80]], and enjoyed all sorts of amenities [[ ;-) ]]. I never though myself a very affectionate or intimate person (with women--I think now we all know why), but it turns out I really do enjoy just holding someone.

Social calendar

I'm seeing the date boy again tonight. Tomorrow is a Firm Cocktail party, and then Friday night I have a date with another boy. Saturday I am going to a party at the house of the Lesbian I had lunch with. I've never felt this popular.

The DATE

I have promised that my descriptions of my new gay dating life (consisting of a whole one date) will not be explicit. As such I am keeping things PG-13. However, please stay regardless.

First an administrative matter: for the benefit of my straight readers (I know of 5), I feel it need the to translate certain things. Because I am already a liberal user of parentheses (two uses already in this post, and this makes three), I shall use double brackets to indicate my translations into Straight--my gay readers should feel free to ignore the double brackets as the true meaning of my statements will obvious to them.

I met David in a park that is nearby my city's gay enclave [[daytime gay meat market, nighttime place to contract hepatitis--I was there during the day]]; people were out enjoying the sun, walking dogs, playing volleyball, having picnics, and all sorts of wholesome activities [[cruising and looking to be cruised]]. I was almost ready to go home. Because I hate that ever so awkward "I don't have a reason to talk to you, but I am anyway" moment (unless I have had at least 2 alcoholic beverages--note: this is a parenthetical, not a translation, so gays should read it), I have not really talked to anyone. I'm also a little self conscious about my horrendous obesity [[no visible six pack, despite having a 32 inch waist]]. Suddenly I hear "you have an adorable dog" [["You have an effective dating prop"]], and so I turn around and see David.

We start talking, using typical small talk ("What's your Dog's name;" "How long have you lived here;" that kind of thing). It didn't take him long to compliment my eyes--my second best feature (I've always considered my smile my first). So then we decide to go for a walk and just continue the conversation [[gay pre-date]]. I learn that he is a visual artist [[receptionist]], and he learns I am law student interning at a firm for the summer [[sugar daddy]].

After a pleasant afternoon, we return to the park and exchange numbers. A few days later [[A few hours later--Nick once explained to me that gay dating is like dog years]], I got the following text:

"Hey Sexy, I had a really good time with you :-)"
[["Ask me out on a real date"]]

I responded by asking if he wanted to get a bite to eat, he agreed and we set a time for later that evening. I did some mild grooming [everything short of hot wax]], and dressed casually [[the only article of clothing on me that cost less than $70 was my underwear]]. I picked him up and we went to a trendy-ish "healthy" pizza place [[we weren't the only male couple in the restaurant, by a long shot]].

Eat, eat, eat, talk, talk, talk. Taking Icon's sage advice, when political topics came up I was careful not to reveal that I worship Satan [[am a member of the Republican Party]]

After dinner, since we are downtown, we go for a walk in the city. I love just walking around cities. David acts as my little tour guide. He shows me some really interesting points of interest I never would have found on my own. I showed him my office building, he showed me his [[actually we literally pointed out our places of business, pervs]].

We then walk along the river and he wants to hold my hand. I am internally a little uncomfortable but i think i hid it successfully. Especially since we hold hands for most of the rest of the night. Thinking back, despite my initial discomfiture, it was sort of sweet. At this point we had been on the date for about 3 hours [[Remember, in gay dating time, this actually counts as the second date]].

After about another hour of touring the city--we must have walked three miles together--I drive him back to his car, and the ride was very pleasant [[ ;-) ]]. Once we get to where he parked, we said goodnight [[ ;-) ]] and went home [[ ;-) ]].

I had a great time [[ ;-) ]].

We probably aren't talking long-term boyfriend material, for a couple reasons. First, super-sweet as he was, and snobbish as this sounds, I got the impression that when it came to brains, like Scar, I had the lion's share. Also, neither of us really seemed to be looking for a boyfriend. Looks more like he'll be my first gay friend in this city and sort of my "in" to the community here. I'm quite glad he noticed my dating prop in the daytime gay meat market so many months ago.

Lunch

Today I am having lunch with another attorney who is openly gay. I met her and her partner last week at a firm event, and we scheduled this lunch to discuss her experiences with the firm (at the event she indicated they were positive). G., the attorney I am lunching with, is quite friendly and clearly the lipstick--not that that really matters, except that I often find myself unable to make conversation with the more masculine lesbians ("No, I don't follow football; did you see Wicked?" "No, I didn't see Wicked, but I am building a new deck." "I bought a new shirt." [Silence]). Anyway, lesbians of all types are people who do go through similar struggles as I do, and they deserve respect, but I am not the only one who feels a little awkward.

Nonetheless, I am looking forward to our lunch today.

PS: I have already had my very first actual gay date (as opposed to drunken hook-up)!!! I shall post about it this weekend.

Dating

Today marks the birth of a new category for this blog: dating. I must reiterate, however, this blog is not about sex, and discussions of dating will not become a ribald string a NSA hook-ups (not my style anyway).

Cards on the table: I've never dated much. I had a couple of beards in high school, but they were more of the standing date for dance variety. Nonetheless they did the job, even in college people would ask me if was still dating ____. (Aside: my senior year beard just recently got married).

In college, I was still very closeted, and would go to parties, but ALWAYS go home alone (a couple of times I would crash at a friend's place, but that would involve sleeping and nothing else). I always used the excuse "I'm too busy to date," and incidentally my lack of dating is what makes my mom suspicious.

All that is to say, I never got the cheesy high school "not-too-serious-but-feels-like-it-anyway" kind of starter dating that most people get. I have no idea what do, and I'm about a decade behind on that front. Regardless, I decided this weekend, that if I am going to be out this summer (new city and all), I might try some casual dating. Emphasis on the casual. I don't think I am in a place right now where I can seriously contemplate a boyfriend.

Now comes the challenge: I want casual not too serious dating (meanign doign stuff together, but not feeling obligated always to be with the same person) but I am not exactly looking for the mindless sexual encounters and one night stands that is the stereotype of the young gay dating scene. I'm more interested in going to dinner, taking walks, watchign movies, and so on. So basically I want more serious romantic dating that I can treat casually, hmm. Anyway, just musing. I don't have a plan of action to share, but this is something I've been thinking about.

Oh and, Icon: your point in the comment to my last post is very well taken. I'm not even sure I can get away with the old line, "really I'm just a libertarian" with most. Though I might keep my politics in my back pocket if I ever want to end something quickly :)