More Veritas

I am writing to fill in some details about last Wednesday night. I wanted my initial post to be positive, because it was predominantly a positive evening. The situation was, however, not all sunshine and roses. Before I get into that, I want to reiterate I'm extremely glad it happened. But this whole adventure is about being honest, and that's what I am going to do.

So we were playing Wii Bowling, and drinking wine and having a good time. Then Karen asks me how good of a mood I'm in. I say a pretty good one. Sean scowls at her, knowing that they had previously decided they wouldn't be the one's who brought it up first.

Then she tells me: we found your blog.

I'm immediately uncomfortable, and go into withdraw mode. To my credit, I do not deny it, my first thought. That may be more from a sense of futility than of courage (I had talked about Tom Palmer's gun victory the night before), but at the very least I do not deny that the blog was mine.

Karen is doing her best to remind me that I have both their support, and it doesn't change what they think of me at all. She is very reassuring, and I thank her for that. Sean is doing his best to make me more comfortable by saying "It's in the open, it's over. Nothing's changed, so let's just get back to the game." I must emphasize that Sean isn't trying to avoid the issue (indeed we talked about it at length over lunch on Friday), but that he knows I am not comfortable in very emotional situations in general, and that I probably don't want to talk about it.

Whose approach is better? I can't tell you. On the one hand, I needed Karen's constant affirmation. On the other, I knew that the topic would come up again, and at that moment my sexuality was the last thing I wanted to talk about. So I really appreciated Sean's sensitivity of that and respect for my wishes.

I cried that evening, which I hate. Almost a quarter century of emotional repression made me much prefer stoicism. I always feel like an idiot when I cannot "keep it together." The whole thing was less stressful than I imagined, but not by much.

Thursday morning, I saw Karen at school, and she was worried that I was still very uncomfortable. Although it was less than twelve hours later, I had already realized I was happy and relieved that I had gone through Wednesday night with them. Now I assure her that I am happy she brought it up. Thursday was probably the best day since I came out to myself. I'm still riding that high.