Sunday, March 25, 2007

More Veritas

I am writing to fill in some details about last Wednesday night. I wanted my initial post to be positive, because it was predominantly a positive evening. The situation was, however, not all sunshine and roses. Before I get into that, I want to reiterate I'm extremely glad it happened. But this whole adventure is about being honest, and that's what I am going to do.

So we were playing Wii Bowling, and drinking wine and having a good time. Then Karen asks me how good of a mood I'm in. I say a pretty good one. Sean scowls at her, knowing that they had previously decided they wouldn't be the one's who brought it up first.

Then she tells me: we found your blog.

I'm immediately uncomfortable, and go into withdraw mode. To my credit, I do not deny it, my first thought. That may be more from a sense of futility than of courage (I had talked about Tom Palmer's gun victory the night before), but at the very least I do not deny that the blog was mine.

Karen is doing her best to remind me that I have both their support, and it doesn't change what they think of me at all. She is very reassuring, and I thank her for that. Sean is doing his best to make me more comfortable by saying "It's in the open, it's over. Nothing's changed, so let's just get back to the game." I must emphasize that Sean isn't trying to avoid the issue (indeed we talked about it at length over lunch on Friday), but that he knows I am not comfortable in very emotional situations in general, and that I probably don't want to talk about it.

Whose approach is better? I can't tell you. On the one hand, I needed Karen's constant affirmation. On the other, I knew that the topic would come up again, and at that moment my sexuality was the last thing I wanted to talk about. So I really appreciated Sean's sensitivity of that and respect for my wishes.

I cried that evening, which I hate. Almost a quarter century of emotional repression made me much prefer stoicism. I always feel like an idiot when I cannot "keep it together." The whole thing was less stressful than I imagined, but not by much.

Thursday morning, I saw Karen at school, and she was worried that I was still very uncomfortable. Although it was less than twelve hours later, I had already realized I was happy and relieved that I had gone through Wednesday night with them. Now I assure her that I am happy she brought it up. Thursday was probably the best day since I came out to myself. I'm still riding that high.


Karen said...

First, I appreciate the candor, honesty and willingness to discuss that you have exhibited as I know how difficult this is for you.

I guess none of us really know the "appropriate" way to deal with a situation such as this.

On one hand, following Sean's approach, a decision about your sexuality will have as inconsequential of an effect on our friendship as a decision to prefer ham over turkey sandwiches.

On the other hand, following my approach, I would never want you to feel alone or unsupported or dismissed.

I guess the best way is to find a marriage between the two approaches - how that would happen exactly I am not really sure.

At the end of the day, I respect your privacy 100% but I also want you to know that I (we) are always here to talk, not talk, open a bottle of wine or, if you are lucky, play Wii bowling - whatever you so choose.



Pink Elephant said...

Karen, I just must say, your and Sean's support means A LOT to me. I didn't doubt you two before last Wednesday, but still it was so difficult to say anything. So many times I wanted to, but somehow couldn't. Now that it is all said and done, I couldn't be happier.

Much love to you both!