Monday, March 5, 2007


I have been talking to Nick for a while about coming out (of the gay closet), and although I find the idea terrifying, I am moving forward, albeit slowly. I have decided to do so gradually. I came up with this timetable:

(1) I have told my therapist. It still feels very weird, and I am still very uncomfortable talking about it with her. But it is done, and probably (I hope) for the best.

(2) I am going to be out this summer. I will be working in a completely new city, and I think it will just be easier to be open from the beginning. This will allow me to test the waters, so to speak. I have already contacted some of the gay attorneys at my firm to get their perspectives on what it's like to be out at my firm. So far I have heard that it is basically treated as a non-issue. I find that very encouraging.

(4) If all goes well this summer, I plan to come out here at law school. I imagine that most of my friends here will be supportive, which will allow me to grow comfortable with being an out gay man.

(5) Then I come to my first point of no return, telling my closest college friends. Somehow, telling my law school friends seems less permanent, largely because I haven't known them as long. Also I was much deeper in my closet in college, whereas I think most people here already suspect.

(6) Then comes the big one, telling my parents. Honestly, this will be the greatest challenge of the whole process. I truly hate to disappoint them, and I know they will be very disappointed, especially initially. I know that eventually they will come to accept it, but it won't be easy for them or for me. I talked to Nick about when he came out to his parents and he said that things were rocky for about a year. Although now, his parents have come to accept him. In fact, I have set up a meeting with Nick's mom when she comes to town next week. We are going to discuss her emotions when Nick came out, what sorts of things to suspect, and basically get advice for this very critical moment in my life and the life of my parents. This step may take a year or two to reach, if I ever reach it.

That's my plan. I hope I can find the strength to execute it.


RightGirl said...

Good luck! It sounds like a well-thought-out plan to me. You can do it. Whatever a person does with their various feelings/preferences/beliefs/whatever, it's meaningless unless they start from an honest beginning. It might be hard with some family members or a couple of friends, but I bet you will be surprised how supportive and caring most people will be. Come on out of that closet!!!

Matt said...

Good luck.

Email me or IM me. I'd like to talk to you. mddtb, or debrieftheboys@gmail

A Voice of Reason said...

The parents one will be tough, and as a father of five, I try to look at it from both your and their vantage point, and how would I react if any of my sons/daughters were in your situation.

I like to believe that it wouldn't make a difference. I may be concerned and I confess I am not comfortable with many aspects of homosexuality, that doesn't give me license to despise. I also have similarities perhaps that you have in your background. I was an Evangelical minister's son, and worked in a Christian school. Heck, you could be a former student.

In the end, you will have to be secure in the love of your family being based on your inherent worth as a human being, and not based on other factors. In the end you and I may not agree on many things about homosexuality, which is understandable, as we are viewing them from across a divide.

However, there is a binding factor of love. Had you been one of my students, I would embrace you in the love that encompasses the teacher and the taught. I believe that same bond would have me embrace my own children should they say have to make the same admission. That type of love is not based on the behavior, attitude or any factor of another, it is based on the concept that love of others is based on a moral imperative.

It is my sincere hope that you are met by the same embracement of you, by the one's you love.

Take your time, and remember that in the end you have to embrace yourself honestly.