Wednesday, May 2, 2007

A little too much wine

Everyone seems to agree that drunk posting is a bad idea, but on the contrary I think it will make me more honest.

I am really concerned about my Mom when I come out. I have always felt closer to my mom, but I am sure she will have the biggest problem that I am gay. It's comforting to hear stories of others that Moms can be surprisingly understanding, but even so, it's not a moment I am looking forward to. I know that my not being honest poisons our relationship, but I am most afraid of her reaction.

Time for honesty: I'm pretty sure my mom knows. She has actually asked me point blank before. I lied, of course. She then said, "it's not like we would hate you, bit it's just not a life I would choose for you. It's a hard life." I made thing worse by saying, " you have nothing to worry about." The words came out of my mouth before I could consider them.

Point taken, it's not an easy life, but neither is lying to myself and others while pretending to be straight. Certainly my family has religious problems, but I know they love me nonetheless. Regardless, it won't be an easy time for any of us when I come out, and it is not something I look forward to.

I plan to come out to my parents this summer (a whole year earlier than I expected before); I hope it goes acceptably. Sometimes I really, really wish I were straight so this wouldn't be an issue. No matter how it goes, I must express my extreme appreciation for the support I have gotten through this blog. All of you are awesome! thanks!


Matthew said...

Surprisingly coherent for a drunk post. Well done.

Would there be any advantage in waiting until after law school? Any chance of financial retribution from your parents (i.e. if they are paying for law school, would they stop doing that)? Obviously, the downside would be not being open about who you are with your parents for about another year. I'm not trying to minimize that, or even trying to say being completely honest would not be worth it regardless. But if most of that 9 months/year is spent at school when contact with your parents mainly would consist of phone calls and holiday visits, perhaps waiting would not be a terrible idea.

I suppose only you know your parents well enough to gauge the severity (or lack thereof) with which they would respond. Perhaps some of your readers would scoff at this, but you (and your parents) will be in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Hi Pink...

Only you will know the right time and the right place. I have heard stories over the years that go from one end of the spectrum to the other. I think you might have an inkling, but, we'll be here to support you in whatever path you take.

My best friend, some years back, was asked by someone (I don't remember the whole scenario) about why gay people choose their lifestyle (he was not out at that time). He said, looking at the hell that some experience, why would you choose it? You are who you are. I'll send you something I read recently.

And I join matthew, you will all be in my thoughts and prayers too.

A Voice of Reason said...

Do it when you feel the time is right, timetables are usually never good :); but decisions should be determined by circumstances.

Remember, that the bonding of a parent, particularly your mom, is in the whole, so of course she would know you, she carried you in her body, and I can never understand the full implications that it brings, it has to have many.

Jason said...

Drunk posts are something I love. Sometimes just because I'm more emotionally honest, other times because I have seriously compromised motor skills and just hit keys in the general direction of the ones I want.

However, on a more serious note. I got the same thing from my mother for a year. She never guessed about me and was caught completely by surprise. But after that it was all worry... all I don't want this for you, it's such a scary life. I think it's a natural reaction for a mother. Being gay today is still dangerous. Gay bashing is a serious reality. Not to mention the oppression and limited rights. I liken it to children of African Americans who were white enough looking to pass for white that their parents wanted them to try and pass as white so they wouldn't have to live such a hard oppressed life. No one wishes oppression on their loved ones and in turn wishes for a happy and easy life instead.

I'll be honest, I made the decision in similar times, in college. I just set a time and made myself do it. Heck I did it on my 21st birthday (before having anything to drink too) with my mother... probably not the best decision I've made in my life looking at it in hindsight... but it worked out. With my father I was visiting for a weekend in October and just said I was going to do it and did. A little better prepared after my mother, but it worked out even better with him.

Why I chose to do it... I had finally been free to be myself and start to get comfortable with the whole of who I am and my parents are incredibly important to me and I wanted to be able to share who I really was with them. It would have been easy to hide it, and I see them only for about two months a year. But for me... even with the risks... it was better to give them a chance to know me, something I had been forced to deny them for too long.

But each of us has to decide when the right time is. I applaud your decision if it's what you really want and wish you the best of luck with it. It's never easy, even when it turns out for the best. And I'll be some more prayers for both you and your family.

Alan said...

Mr. Pink (can I call you that? Because you sometimes remind me of Steve Buscemi):

First: the words "too," "much," and "wine" NEVER go together. You should know that.

That said, I cannot offer you any advice, as I have had none of the experiences the above gentlemen have. Know, though, that you have much support at school, including Karen, Sean, and myself.

Without fully understanding your position, I would tend to agree with 'Voice' - it would certainly be an initial shock for parents, but they are still your parents. They'll accept you for who you, no matter what.

And worse case, if you need a couch, I have one.

Pink Elephant said...

Thanks all! I shall try to respond to everyone.

Matthew, initially the plan was to wait until after I graduate, but not because I was worried about financial support (I'm here entirely on loans--they paid for college, grad school was my responsibility). Instead I think it was because graduation was a clear transition point. I felt that once I start my career, I would be able deal with any kind of distance that arises between us. I now think that being far from home and the support of my friends here will help me just as much, if not more.

Thoughlovers, I completely agree with your friend. I have used the argument myself, even just discussing it generally, and not in regards to myself. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts.

Voice, I think you are right as well. It's not going to be easy, but I think that eventually our bond will carry the day. I am just worried about the meantime. The reason I set these timetables is because I am the type that without a deadline, even self imposed, I will procrastinate. That doesn't mean I will definitely come out this summer, but it helps me to think about the support I will come back to here if I do.

Jason, thanks to you too, especially for sharing how you came out to your folks. I also agree with why you chose to come out. I don't feel I can fully an considtently be open until I am open with my parents; always wondering if this or that will get back to them. Also, the sooner I do it, the sooner the discomfort that will follow will be over.

Alan, of course your, Marcia's (she knows too) Karen's, and Sean's support is a big part of what is giving me the courage even to consider this. It's amazing having the support through this blog, but it even more important that I have people who know me in person to support and accept me. I am not good with emotion, so I am not sure I can adequately convey how much you four mean to me, but know that you do.

Anyway, thanks to everyone.

Anonymous said...


Sorry I am commenting on an old post, but I don't get around to reading your lovely blog often.

I understand your worry about coming out to your mom, but I think you are one of the more lucky ones. You said you mom said that she would not hate you for being gay.
I don't think this is the case for me. My mom takes almost every opportunity she can to remind our family that homosexuals are "disgusting" and "immoral".

For me, it makes it very difficult.

I am reasonably close to my mom too, but I am far too scarred to come out to her.

Good luck with your coming out.
And thanks for such an encouraging blog that reminds me I am not the only one.