Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Why I will not pursue a wife of convenience

For a long time I considered pursuing a wife of convenience so I never had to come to terms with being gay. I would just play the part my family wanted me to. In fact, even when I started this blog, I had not completely rejected the idea. But as I mentioned in the last post, I have come to realize that marrying a woman for a beard would be a cruel thing to do. Even if all the cards were on the table from the beginning, such a marriage seems doomed. Here is a post about a post-coming out divorce. It's not a happy thing at all.

I just HAVE to come out.


Anonymous said...

Hey Pink,

I've known more than a few guys over the years who had marriages of convenience. But, in previous generations, it was pretty much expected, just so you "fit in". Your hand was forced, you had no choice. You've heard of "shotgun weddings"? Pretty much the same kind of idea.

I would wager that even in this day and age it still takes place, just not to the extent that it did before.

But, sometimes, being able to come out to yourself is the first step. You have already reached that point, and the rest will follow when appropriate.

Michael in Norfolk said...


Thanks for citing my blog. Yes, my divorce story is not a happy one and I am sure my former wife thinks what I did to her by coming out was cruel. However, I don't think I had a marriage of convenience per se, since I did love my wife in many ways and at the time, perhaps foolishly, thought that somehow I could make the gay go away.

As I found out, it never goes away and, in my view, the ex-gay crowd are either suffering from self-delusion or are "ex-gay for pay."

As the other commentor indicates, I think the biggest step in many ways is coming out to yourself and being able to look in the mirror and say you are gay. After that, the rest of the coming out process is something you can manage over time.

Pink Elephant said...


Point well taken, but I did not mean to imply that you didn't love your wife. Indeed I had my wife picked out, she and I are compatible in every way except sexually. I do love her, except I love her like a sister. I use the term wife of convenience as a bit of, perhaps hastily concieved, shorthand. Unfortunately other terms I could think of, sham wife, beard also seem to imply something colder than what it sounds like you shared with your wife.

I agree with you that the gay never goes away, and for a long time I thought I could distract myself from it while having the outwardly picture perfect life I thought (and to some degree still think) others expect me to have.

Marcia said...

While I realize that this is a good decision, I believe a bevy of women are crying about it. ;)

Michael in Norfolk said...


You are correct that I did share something very special with my wife, although I could never be the straight husband that she deserved. As I will further explain in upcoming posts, it just got to the point where I could no longer maintain the act and unwanted deception. It takes so much energy and focus to maintain the front - energy and focus I can now direct at being who I am and trying to make a difference.

I do cherish my kids and I hope in time I get closer again to the older two once the divorce war ends.

Btw, check out my post on our LGBT chamber of commerce launch event.