Friday, May 11, 2007

Meeting an old crush

I had my first crush on a boy my freshman year of college. His name was Zach. He adorably shy, beautiful (though a little short), and took great care of his body. We lived on the same floor and became good friends. Freshman year we did almost everything together: we ate dinner together in the dining hall, we studied together, we went to museums. I'll bet that people who didn't know us thought we might be boyfriends. Maybe even people who did know us.

Then sophomore year I was more standoffish. Sometimes I was downright cold to Zach. We saw each other often as we had many mutual friends, but we didn't do anything together anymore. I had realized that I had a crush on him and my solution to the "problem" was to pull away.

Fast forward to last semester, after visiting a nearby city I got an email from Zach. Apparently he had seen me walking down the street. After a short email conversation I explained that I lived nearby and occasionally visited his city and would give him a call the next time I saw him. Many busy months went by, and I wasn't able to visit. Once exams ended I made a special trip and we met for drinks.

Turns out that Zach lives in a "gay" part of his city, and he was wearing an outfit that fit the location (white linen capris). When I first saw Zach I thought to myself, "whoa, he's gay too!" Over drinks, however, my excitement waned when he said he had just quit his job and was going to move to Europe with his girlfriend, where they would probably get married.

Anyway, now someone from college knows I'm gay. I wanted to apologize for my frostiness after freshman year, but I was afraid that if I told Zach I had a crush on him it might make him uncomfortable. As much as I wanted him to be gay, now that he is planning to get married, I hope that he is straight. Sigh...


Michael in Norfolk said...


I understand the distant and withdrawing approach. As I have described, I had that situation in Mobile and finally moved away and lost touch with one of the guys I loved most. I know the heartache. I hope Zach is straight too.

Icon said...

You left a gap in your story: I presume that you came out to Zach.

My sophomore year at Rutgers I had a crush on a beautiful blonde freshman named John.....cept I was not yet out even to myself. He had a younger sister who was an equally stunning blonde. I dated her a couple of times but it fizzled. I've long since lost touch with John and I really doubt that he is gay but....who knows.
It's really interesting how these things go. If only I/we had acted upon our emotions at those times, how different our lives might have been. 'Cpet that my experience was in 1969 when such things were not nearly as easy as today. Pink, I hope you will move on quickly and develop to your full queer potential. The sooner the better, just as Matt has.

Alan said...

You know, when you told me you "were meeting a college friend for drinks [smiley face]," I thought you were just in one of your moods. Now I understand -- it was a "friend." I'm glad you got to see him again, but I hate that it didn't work out as you'd hoped.

I really can't imagine the situation someone who is gay is in -- meaning, being attracted to someone you don't even know if you have a chance with (i.e., that person being gay as well). I would be curious to hear/read your thoughts on that, and I'm sure there will be plenty of comments by the "regulars" here as well.

Pink Elephant said...

Icon, yes, I did come out to him, but via email--face to face is still pretty difficult for me. Since Zach knew I am gay when he chose his outfit for the evening, When I saw him, I was convinced he was going to come out to me too. Sadly, no.