Saturday, June 9, 2007


I have promised that my descriptions of my new gay dating life (consisting of a whole one date) will not be explicit. As such I am keeping things PG-13. However, please stay regardless.

First an administrative matter: for the benefit of my straight readers (I know of 5), I feel it need the to translate certain things. Because I am already a liberal user of parentheses (two uses already in this post, and this makes three), I shall use double brackets to indicate my translations into Straight--my gay readers should feel free to ignore the double brackets as the true meaning of my statements will obvious to them.

I met David in a park that is nearby my city's gay enclave [[daytime gay meat market, nighttime place to contract hepatitis--I was there during the day]]; people were out enjoying the sun, walking dogs, playing volleyball, having picnics, and all sorts of wholesome activities [[cruising and looking to be cruised]]. I was almost ready to go home. Because I hate that ever so awkward "I don't have a reason to talk to you, but I am anyway" moment (unless I have had at least 2 alcoholic beverages--note: this is a parenthetical, not a translation, so gays should read it), I have not really talked to anyone. I'm also a little self conscious about my horrendous obesity [[no visible six pack, despite having a 32 inch waist]]. Suddenly I hear "you have an adorable dog" [["You have an effective dating prop"]], and so I turn around and see David.

We start talking, using typical small talk ("What's your Dog's name;" "How long have you lived here;" that kind of thing). It didn't take him long to compliment my eyes--my second best feature (I've always considered my smile my first). So then we decide to go for a walk and just continue the conversation [[gay pre-date]]. I learn that he is a visual artist [[receptionist]], and he learns I am law student interning at a firm for the summer [[sugar daddy]].

After a pleasant afternoon, we return to the park and exchange numbers. A few days later [[A few hours later--Nick once explained to me that gay dating is like dog years]], I got the following text:

"Hey Sexy, I had a really good time with you :-)"
[["Ask me out on a real date"]]

I responded by asking if he wanted to get a bite to eat, he agreed and we set a time for later that evening. I did some mild grooming [everything short of hot wax]], and dressed casually [[the only article of clothing on me that cost less than $70 was my underwear]]. I picked him up and we went to a trendy-ish "healthy" pizza place [[we weren't the only male couple in the restaurant, by a long shot]].

Eat, eat, eat, talk, talk, talk. Taking Icon's sage advice, when political topics came up I was careful not to reveal that I worship Satan [[am a member of the Republican Party]]

After dinner, since we are downtown, we go for a walk in the city. I love just walking around cities. David acts as my little tour guide. He shows me some really interesting points of interest I never would have found on my own. I showed him my office building, he showed me his [[actually we literally pointed out our places of business, pervs]].

We then walk along the river and he wants to hold my hand. I am internally a little uncomfortable but i think i hid it successfully. Especially since we hold hands for most of the rest of the night. Thinking back, despite my initial discomfiture, it was sort of sweet. At this point we had been on the date for about 3 hours [[Remember, in gay dating time, this actually counts as the second date]].

After about another hour of touring the city--we must have walked three miles together--I drive him back to his car, and the ride was very pleasant [[ ;-) ]]. Once we get to where he parked, we said goodnight [[ ;-) ]] and went home [[ ;-) ]].

I had a great time [[ ;-) ]].

We probably aren't talking long-term boyfriend material, for a couple reasons. First, super-sweet as he was, and snobbish as this sounds, I got the impression that when it came to brains, like Scar, I had the lion's share. Also, neither of us really seemed to be looking for a boyfriend. Looks more like he'll be my first gay friend in this city and sort of my "in" to the community here. I'm quite glad he noticed my dating prop in the daytime gay meat market so many months ago.


Michael said...


I am happy to hear that things are progressing for you. I have not seen a photo of you, but you seem way too hard on yourself. Hang loose and go with the flow. Mr. Right is out there waiting for you.


P.S. In gay years as you define them, I'd be about 485!! Yikes!!

Icon said...

Icebreakers can be really tough. I'm ok if I have a thread to follow. At Karaoke: "You did a fantastic rendition of [I CAN MAKE YOU A MAN Franken Furter; Rocky Horror Picture Show]. I really love that movie." (True story!)

Another effective one: Leave the tag hang out from your shirt or bathing suit. A gay guy is likely to walk halfway across the beach to tuck it in. It has worked for me. Beware, though, you must be willing to suffer a small amount of haberdashery awkwardness while this trick does the trick. Also, you must train your friends lest they keep tucking in the tags.

Lastly, when the initial cruising becomes mired down for any reason, move behind your quarry and begin massaging his shoulders. (NB: Don't pick tall quarry!) This is rarely rejected but if it is, you weren't going anywhere anyway. At the proper moment, suggest that you move [from the dance floor, bar, health food isle] to a more comfortable venue [dark corner of bar, grassy knoll in park, poolside chaise, rear of van equipped with air mattress, living room floor, bedroom] where you will have stashed some quality massage lotion. True story: This worked for me last night: dance floor --> "party van."

Unfortunately, I missed a great opportunity yesterday. A cute guy was applying sun block. I failed to leap into action when he needed to apply it to his back. This has worked for me in the past but it takes a little more gumption than I can usually muster.

Any other good ones???

Icon said...

OBTW, Democrats could never think of this stuff! ;-)

Micifus said...

"At this point we had been on the date for about 3 hours [[Remember, in gay dating time, this actually counts as the second date]]." line everrrr!
Hahaha I laughed so hard.
So, so true.

Marcia said...

I'm so proud! You're so cute! Sorry, it just sounds like the most adorable, sweet date ever. How's your pup? I didn't realize you had him with you already. :)

Anonymous said...

Very enlightening post; the parenthesis aided me a lot.